Mustard Shampoo

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– “Oh no Frances, don’t do that again! It’s only Tuesday…. What time is it?”

– “Early enough, and listen to this, it says Venus is aligning with the Moon today, and small events stemming from Capricorn’s innate daryness  will pamper you with a stream of luxurious payback…. can you translate this?”

– ” It means I need three spoons of sugar in my coffee today, stewardess!”

– “Oh.. I forgot to tell you, yesterday: we’ve run out of coffee.”

– “aarrrggghhhh…. check inside Tommy’s lottery box- if he’s still snoring…. you might find a couple of free coffee samples, as the horoscope suggests…”

– “I’m afraid I can’t, it says here- geminis  need to emphasise on time keeping today, or else  we may have to face self-piling workload.”

– “ok. Don’t forget the Arabica mild roast on your way back.”

– “I’ll write it on my hand. Bye! Don’t fall back asleep lucky capricorn!”

By a chance of luck, as I reach for my phone…. the battery’ s dead. Frances saved me again, because I had set the alarm  buzz for seven am.

Through the window I watch her walk away in a confident hurry, sporting a purple uniform and her favourite yellow crocs.

–  “Frances, I’m not a Capricorn, I’m a Sagittarius!!!” My words are trashed away by the noisy rubbish truck.

*          *          *

The boss has given us an extra lunch half hour, and once again the receptionist wants me to take her sample-hunting.

– “Let’s have lunch first, I suggest, there’s no queueing at the food stall right now. They said there might be a storm.”

– “What, is that what Francesca read on today’s horoscope?”

– “Don’t be jealous of her. She’s had it hard.”

– “And so have we all. Three samples for me and only one for her!”

– “Hot dogs?”, Asks the food stall lady.

– “Two for me with no ketchup, loads of mustard,  extra napkins and chopsticks please!” Anita’s not pulling her leg.

– “That will be eight pounds fifty, just eight pounds for you.”

– “I ‘ve not got enough coins…. so: Same order please,  but without the hotdogs!”

–  “Ummm… One seventy five, two seventy five, three pounds for you! And a hotdog on the house!”

– “Same for me please.”

– “Look, there’s a new bench there. Quick, grab it girl!”

I hesitate to ask then brave the question:

– “Anita, can I enquire…. why won’t you eat without chopsticks?”

– “They make me feel slender. That’s it.”

– “Oh, must be a precious feeling for a millennial female.”

– “Ok,  Capricorn! it’s beauty goodies time!”

– “But you only had mustard for lunch!”

– “Yes, I needed to make up for the free granola bars they were handing out at the station. Here, I took a couple for your pretty Frances.”

– “Thanks. We ve got twelve minutes left. Put some lipstick on, off we go on a lucky errand….. hey, I said lipstick, not Mustard!”

*          *          *

Anita was sniffing all the new shampoo and conditioner cute bottles, not lending an ear to me.

– “Do you do Mustard shampoo, Madame?”

– “Mustard shampoo? Not as far as I know. But our latest cinnamon edition shampoo and conditioner in one is your closest bet. Let me ask my supervisor anyway.”

Leaving all the bottle lids halfway screwed, Anita looks high on exotic essences.

– “Please Sir, could you be kind enough to fill in our creative suggestion form, and very importantly, your email address, because we are treating you with this season’s sample case.”

–  “But we’re late to work…”

– “No worries – I can quickly  fill it in for you,  because I am impressed with the beautiful shine on your girlfriends hair.”

– “Don’t misspell your email address again!” Anita the spoiler sometimes behaves like she’s my girlfriend.

Mission exceeded, we two colleagues are pleasantly excited  by what items we got inside the gift bags.

We hear a thunderbolt.

It’s raining so heavily we have to stay under the porch, dodging the upset bargain shoppers who only want a square inch of shelter.

The rain grows thicker and cooler. I’ll never forget the next five minutes, when Anita opens the coconut shampoo and the small crowd of shoppers instantly start querring about the product.

Anita wants the stage, and she starts foaming her hair under the storm.

I think they gave us an aphrodisiac instead of shampoo. Passers try and take pictures… but the rain’s too thick.

I cannot recall a sexier scene than my very professional receptionist washing her locks under the violent spring shower. I want to ask her what her sign on the horoscope is.

Anita needs not to feel jealous about any single millennial or trillinial chick. The girls got it.

Before the rain recedes the receptionist’s head is wrapped in a newspaper.

A rain scent still lingers on her- even today,  as all customers keep boomeranging back to our shop.

*           *          *

On my way back after work, I don’t bother to collect free papers to cut out the horoscope for Frances, as I’ve been fed up of doing for the past couple of years. All I can think of is brushing with Anita’s hair. I forget to pop into the supermarket to get a coffee jar for the flat. I even forgot Frances’ gift bag!

*         *          *

The flat door is unlocked and I am hoping it’s not  some burglars coming to steal toilet rolls. There’s sachets of mustard over the kitchen table. Frances treating my Anita again as a gesture of fair competition.

– “Thanks, Frances! Frances, you in?”

She sneaks out from Tommy’s bedroom. I pretend not to notice. The keetle beeps.

– “Who got the coffee?”

– “Tommy won a tenner on the Lotto! Says Frances, bottoming her uniform.

– “Well done.  Can I keep the change?”

The evening is light as usual,  lifting the work fatigue just when it’s time to sleep.

I could have guessed! These geesas  are a couple! No wonder they don’t mind me being three months behind the rent…

What other stuff is to be discovered this week? Do I have to peep on one of Frances’ horoscopes to find out?

*          *          *

Two weeks later, and as I am still scratching the love bite, a couple of emails come in at once.

One from the landlord, and one from the beauty store. Bad news is landlord going on a gap year so wants one years rent ahead, good news is we won the two shampoo recipe contests. I only submitted one- shampoo with rainwater…

Over the phone, Anita can’t believe her luck, and starts laughing and laughing,

– “I made up a mustard shampoo formula, just as a joke….. I didn’t even test it…. can’t believe we won the grand, plus the lifetime supply of beauty products!”

Well, it’s all typed somewhere in cyberspace. As for me I need to find a new room. The grand comes in handy.

– “You moving out with Frances?”

– “Nope!”

– “Then come to my block! there’s a free room on the second floor sharing with some dictionary animals…. sure they ‘ll love the mustard shampoo….”

– “Thanks.  I ‘ll check the horoscope and get back to you.”

– “No probs, Capricorn! I’ll be practising on a new sardines moisturising cream formula as a good bye prank to Frances – while you make up your mind…… gosh you really got me into this.”

– “Just to remind you girls once again, I am not a Capricorn, but the lucky Sagittarius…”

The End

Keep the competition happy!

 

 

 

Antiviral Jokes

9B5D1A3A-D555-4153-96B1-C98B25445615A lady in her thirties has been applying for work-from-home jobs since a couple of weeks. Then one morning, her phone starts buzzing. It’s for a job!

After she is asked a few easy questions about her experience, the interviewer gets serious and says,

– “All this sounds great. Now we have one, final question.

– “okay”

– “Do you have coronavirus?”

– “Corona.. .what?”

– “Co-ro-na-vi-rus….”

– “What on earth is that?”

*          *          *

The bus is crowded and Phil just wants to get home. Suddently he starts coughing and all heads turn to him. He has to think quick.

– “Are you infected?” Asks a caring old lady as all other passengers press the stopping bell, trying not to touch one another.

– “It’s ok, no need to panic! I wasn’t coughing…. I accidentally swallowed my mobile phone this morning!”

*          *          *

– “What do headmasters and coronaviruses have in common?”

–  “They’re reckless when it comes to punishment.”

*          *          *

We are a few months past the coronavirus times, but David the hacker is still sat in front of his computer for long periods at a time.

– David! It’s all over now! Why don’t we get on the van and go on a camping ride?

– ” I’m ok thanks. ”

– “At least tell me what you’re upto! Im intrigued!”

– ” Well, I’m trying to protect my computer against that virus, in case is has mutated into a corona-software bug!”

*          *          *

Three colleagues go for a check-up.

On their way out, they feel relaxed.

– Did they find anything wrong with you?

– Nope! They only said I got self-building muscles.

– Oh, that sounds good! And you?

– Well, the results came up as a phantom pregnancy….

– Oh. How about you?

– All good, except for a media-induced coronavirus addiction!

*          *          *

A businessman comes home to his loving wife to find her masked, wearing gloves, and walking about in her fins.

– I think you’re getting slightly over the top honey…

– Now you’re going to ask me to give you a half hour foot massage with no gloves, am I right?

*          *          *

A large family are at home during coronavirus period, wondering what to do with themselves, when the eldest kid comes up with an idea-

– Lets play “survival of the fittest”!

– What’s that? the middle sister asks.

– Whoever can do the highest number of sit-ups without coughing gets to eat the  jaffa cakes!

*          *          *

That’s all for today!

Keep washing hands and carry on….

More humour here

The Solo Party

BA37B152-DEB8-4F89-BD66-A112A5EEFC56Another February Friday morning at the factory, but today, Dave has shown  up fully compliant with his gear and uniform.

– You’re looking a little different today. The new trainee wants to know it all.

– I don’t like Christmas.

– It’s February the 7th today! We have all almost forgotten the meaning of the word „Christmas”!

– You wouldn’t want to know how large and wide the meaning of Christmas is to me.

– Of course. And those watery eyes?

– Just collecting some fresh tears for the upcoming summer draught.

– So Dave’s not feeling that blue today, is he? She squeezes his left cheek out of impulse.

– I’m actually trying to cry as much as I can til the tank is empty, so I never need to do that crying again. Then it will all be giggles.

– If that’s your new trick to lay your bricks, then great…. oh, I heard you’re endind your shift early today. Anything exciting?

– I’m throwing a solo party tonight.

– A „ solo party”? What the pepper is that? You mean we’re uninvited?

– Had my yearly ratio of carelessness… now I need to know what it’s like for those who don’t get the chance or who just don’t wanna go out weekends- you know, what goes through their heads. Always been intrigued by this.

– But you’ve been going on about Friday night all week!

– I’ve changed my mind this morning.

– Oh.

Their colleagues stop chatting to listen to Dave instead, who’s not the good old Dave today.

– At 33 I’ve lived pretty fast.

The trainee insists.

– But what if you really get the blues and then you stay stuck in there?

– I might get the blues, the purples and the blacks. Yet my reward will come the day after, when my mobile phone starts jumping up and down in the living room… because all my mates will want to narrate their own distorted version about the Friday Night little adventure….

– Okay, so tell me, what will you be doing with yourself all evening?

– Well it might be dusting out one of those unopened birthday present books…. or practising that new trendy beard grooming in front of the mirror… or even writing a thank you card to my very generous guardian angel….

– I see….

– and if the party turns out to be a commotion, rest reassured: I will be giving away all my old spirit bottles and nightclub membership cards to the local shelter guys!

The End.

If you believe there are no fences around your freedom, try making a one-off change.

Thanks for sharing!

More humour here

Have a great weekend!

Single, Glamorous, & In Control.

  • [sociallocker id=932][/sociallocker]Single and Free. A great place to be. A magnet for opportunity. A chance to regain your head, heart and time.

To make the most of this free vacation, here are some great ideas to make the leap!

 

1- Create your own glamour strategy.

For instance, if you like doing the shopping, take a cabin light suitcase instead of plastic bags or a trolley. You will notice the globe-trotter effect.

2- You are always in the public eye. Even at home. This is why I always advise to invest in a quality night robe- because you never know who will be knocking on your door, at anytime.

3- Make two separate “errand outfits” available. Something casual you can easily slip in preferably in neutral colours.

4- Develop a unique original cooking recipe from your own taste buds. It may take time, but once you’re good at it you will conquer the world through its belly.

5- Make technology gabriel-matula-301987-unsplash   work for you, and not others. Set your privacy and availability preferences- you don’t want the 24- hour- on – call stressful feeling making you paranoid.

The same applies to becoming dependant on technology- you will look pathetic -and your existence will be pathetic- if your life is at your fingertips’ mercy.

Cut down on social media and switch your devices off for at least an hour a day.

6- Choose comfort over glamour. That doesn’t mean chopping your hair off a la garconne… but you know how unappealing high heels look when the ankles are blistered.

7- Be the Real Princess. Never do anything in your own company that you would not do in front of Prince Charming. Habits are creepy little Devils that create reflexes.

8- Have a favourite secret little place where you feel you connect easily with yourself. It may be a bench at a park, the office roofterrace or even a nightclub. Make sure you do not disclose this location even if you happen to believe  you’ve “found the One” and can’t resist sharing the very place where you feel empowered.

9- Learn a few words or funny phrases in another tongue everytime you chat with a different language speaker. Some funny, positive words they ‘ll be proud to teach you.

10- Memorize at least two clean jokes.

11- Plan an “I’m not interested- leave me alone” strategy.

If you can walk away, it can be something like

-Oh, no, my beans are burning on the fire!

or if you’re on a plane, train or waiting room, you can think of anything like ” I haven’ t slept for two nights and I need my hours not to get wrinkles “.

12- Acknowledge your origins.

” I’m from the nineties, I need my shot of dancing”.

” You don’t mess up with a Spanish woman”.

” My grandma slaughtered cattle on her farm”.

It will show you’ve had a Youth and are still kinda living it, and you have pumping blood in your system.

13- When you go shopping, choose items you would wear on a week- end escapade or on your best friend’s Hen night- as opposed to work or dating. This way you will dress like the Real You.

14- Elaborate a fantastic lie to sound test people- you will find the right time when you Laugh and ask “did you really believe I had a microchip implant fitted in my navel?”

15- Embrace tradition. Wear a wrist watch. Use a paper diary that will not let you down. Carry a pen, tissues, and cash.

16- Erase sentences starting with ” I  hate…” from your daily speech.

17- Learn something useful for life and not only career: First Aid, Deaf Sign Language or mending a car. Now you’ve got the time!

18- Go and Splash some cash on that Cabbage Patch Kid you dreamed of adopting when you were eleven years old- and never got, or that motorbike you wished you had as a teen or even a that trip to the Niagara Falls your selfish first husband kept on postponing. Time hasn’t managed to change you that much!

19- Making new healthy habits at the same time your ditching old bad habits proves there’s no time to waste or to procrastinate.

20- Be extra careful with who you tell last night’s freaky weird dream to- people will be able to read your subconscious mind- so beware of the competition!

21- Instead of using foul language when you really gotta swear, make up your own funny personalised words which can range from a food you dislike e.g “hairy chicken!” to a politician you loathe “X in pajamas!”.

And remember, fantasizing with romance is equally as healthy as any other subject of fantasy- so allow your imagination to flow while you’e the Queen of Your Castle!

Thanks for sharing!

 

More humour here.

Do Not Laugh

Do Not Laugh?

Luckily for us two-legged hoarders it is legal to laugh. Almost everywhere.

 

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If life has battered you like a baseball and you cannot even remember the last time you laughed from the deepest of your diaphragm, I’ve got a few tips for you to reconnect to the funny side of baked beans on the bus seat and get you and those around you pumping oxygen without the need of steroids injections.

1- Laugh at yourself. Yes, it all starts here. Laugh at your warts, two left feet and botched highlights if you want to spark the fire.

It doesn’t matter who’s around you- your enemies will be disarmed.

2- Laugh at others with Love care and affection. No need to be scornfulumanoide-548392.jpg or humiliating. Make the subject of your jokes an innocent child. They’ll love it and they will laugh too.

3- Laugh when you’re on your own. Whether it’s remembering funny things or planning a joke. Don’t worry about pedestrians thinking you need to visit the shrink!

4- Make strangers laugh.

5- Read jokes books.

6- Watch comedies and cartoons.

7- Next time you Laugh, make sure you “disconnect” from your immediate environment: leave your hot tea mug on the nearest surface… then bend over and laugh til you’re out of breathe.

8- Don’t take authority too seriously.

9- Remember every little drama has it’s funny side. Look for it.

10- Take delibertely ugly Selfies and show them around- you don’t need to post them anywhere.

11- Speak out of your mind. Set your repressed unconsciousness free. You will soon learn that the first thing that springs to our mind is usually the right thing to say.

12- Remind your friends, colleagues and relatives about that joke they made that made you Laugh so much. This will create a comedy bond!

13- Keep your lungs as healthy as you can by reducing tobacco smoke and exercising more!

Thanks for sharing and have fun!

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More humour here.

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