The Wine Store Con.

Tim was looking forward to stockpiling on Jack Daniels for the Long Weekend, and he didn’t know whether it was seeing Natalie’s smile at the till, or wasting three full days being drunk, and watching TV- what was he wanted most…

He found Natalie sporting a tracksuit for the first time. She let him skip the queue as usual.

Tim has been an open alcoholic since he divorced 4 years ago, so he had given up hopes on finding a job and paying for all those credit cards. The girl looked happy and sad at the same time.

– You okay Natalie?

– Sure I’m okay, just trying to grow a beard for Monday…take these bags of yours, I packed the best deals for you!

– Only nineteen pounds?

– Yep… you might also want a phone voucher?

– What for? to call my imaginary friends?

– You never know! make up your mind quick Tim, the queue…

– ok then, a voucher please…

The bags weren’t so heavy.

Once he got home, he lit the fire, put on the Friday Comedy Shows, and got a nasty surprise…. orange juice! pomegranate juice! carrot juice! AND NO JACK DANIELS!

Instead, a Yoga Mat and a Beginners Yoga Book… now he couldn’t go back to Natalie’s for it was closing already… what on earth was Natalie on about?

“Hey, this yoga book is really beautiful…. I’ll try these out.. ” he was thinking about how to get Natalie sacked from the store at the beginning, but soon started feeling a compelling Love for her, as his body stretched and the knots up his back loosened….

“Gosh, this is kinda cool…”

After the first Yoga Chapter he sipped half the Carrot Juice and had a lovely warm shower, then forgot to switch off the TV set and fell asleep.

The next morning he had had beautiful dreams, and the letterbox opening brutally woke him up.

Through the letterbox someone had slipped cut out local job adverts from local magazines, like they were especially chosen for him….

He went through them.

He picked a few, and with the credit he had bought the night before he rung up five or six, and by 4 pm he had two interviews.

” oh, Natalie”, he thought to himself.

He couldn’t wait to give her the good news he got a job as a concierge at the main Hotel.

He wasn’t thinking of drinking anymore, only about the yoga and carrot juice. In a way, he was still secretly angry at Natalie.

The week after he thought he’d give himself a good boy whiskey treat and went to Natalie’s. To his surprise, a different girl was serving at the till.

– Do you have Jack Daniels?

– Natalie told me we can’t serve you any alcohol…

– But where is she?

– She took a sabbatical year to go to India and get her Yoga Teachers certificate… if you don’t buy alcohol you can give me your number and she’ll be in touch.

– But I could walk into any other store and buy some!

– Nope, Natalie’s got an eye on you…

– okay then, here’s my number…. and can I have three carrot juices please?

– Sure. it’s only five pounds. She winked at him.

– I hope Natalie gets her certificate soon, so I can teach her some Proper Yoga!!!!

The End.

Thanks for sharing!

….and that’s OK!

I only cry when I’m happy… and that’s ok.

I don’t check my email everyday…. and I haven’t missed a bargain.

I don’t fantasize with being a billionaire… I appreciate all my pennies.

I give spare change without making assumptions…. and also blow a smile.

I’m still faithful to my partner…. and this is great.

I pray myself to sleep every night….. and the Lord answers my prayers.

I don’t but expensive attires, and my shoes feel like comfy slippers.

I make dollies to give away to the orphanages, and the reward is priceless.

I listen to old ladies’ stories while waiting for the bus, and I love what they have to say.

The first thing I cry when I wake out of a nightmare is… “hooray!”.

I still sleep by my childhood teddy bear, and in a way believe he’s got life.

I don’t use make-up or hair dye, and that’s ok, they say.

I have made friends from all walks of life, and genuinely care for their well being.

I forgive and I pray for my worse enemies, and some have become great friends.

I secretly put marshmallows in my dieting best friend’s chocolate drink, and she’s still losing weight.

I deliberately over-tip bad service, as a good lesson to those working in pain.

I don’t socially drink- but instead sneak into the kitchen and clean the dishes…. and this is ok.

I make up the funniest passwords, and haven’t forgotten one to this day.

I don’t envy young fit women, instead I’m proud our city has this great asset to be decorated with.

I take monkey face selfies to make us all laugh when bored…. and that’s ok.

And you, my friend, don’t you think most of the things you do are…. just OK?

The End.

April Fools Day!

DD3A87D9-CB01-4EAA-8A98-99603CD9B76AA student finds her flatmate searching through all the cupboards and wardrobes, saying , “I know you’re in there!”

So she gently asks her,

” Nancy, who are you talking to?”

” My boyfriend’s other girl! I know he has been cheating on me lately!”

” But Nancy…. you don’t have a boyfriend!”

” I know I don’t have a boyfriend- but that doesn’t mean he’s not cheating on me!”

*          *          *

A Doctor’s surgery gets a funny call.

– “You see, my flatmate must have caught a funny virus. She’s jumping up and down on the bed, singing “it’s raining men” and juggling with my antique vases.”

– “okay. I shall prescribe some pills for her. How old is she?”

–  “She’s eighty today!”

*           *          *

– “Hey cousin, long time! You look good! How’s life treating you?”

– “Excellent! I got a boyfriend who loves me more than his car….”

– “I’m glad to hear this…. and what car does he drive?”

– “Oh, eerrrr, he doesn’t have a car…”

*          *          *

A successful manager walks into a meeting to see her sales representative sporting her very own pendant. She can’t take her eyes off the jewel and is thinking of going to report the theft.  To be on the safe side, she decides to ask her colleague first,

– ” What a beautiful pendant! It really suits you! Where did you get it?”

– “I got it at a charity auction for a small fortune.”

– “A charity auction?”

– “That’s right. This charity raises money in order to help forgetful people.”

– “Oh my…. my car keys… and my twelve o’clock presentation… and the code to my locker…. and… can you remind me- what’s the date today?”

– “It’s  April Fools Day!”

– “Okay, thanks.  And what’s the date tomorrow?”

*         *          *

During Tom  and Christine’s anniversary,  the gentleman starts spoiling his wife with jewels, kisses and untrue words about her looks- she is ten years older than him.

– Oh Tom, stop it! Your words are like Botox to my ears!

*          *          *
ADBAE16B-AB04-4ADF-A97C-DE51D5B7C8EA

An Estate Agent is desperately trying to rent a room out to an ideal tenant. This time again, the lady says she’s not at all interested.

– “I need to ask you a favour- please could you honestly tell me what is it you find wrong with this lovely room?”

– ” Haven’t you seen the note on the fridge that reads ” Beware of the Grizzly!?”

*          *          *

So as long as April Fools Day is fun, creative, eye- opening and does not play with individuals’ concerns, we can all expect three quarters of a minute of surprise, confusion, and then jolly good laughter!

Have a fun Fool’s Day!

For more Jokes click here.

New Fizzy Customer Services!

 

 

simon-shim-589080-unsplash

Imagine a World with no customer services?

Or maybe something in between…. AIs serving our roast beefs at the Pub?

Yes we are all watching a decline in customer services’ personality and quality, as it was a skilled role taken for granted and too often unrecognised.

You could find the rudest, stinkiest pest throwing your coffee on your shirt in the exact same perimeter where the sweetest, most loving, funny girl was greeting another customer by his name.

As there still are some big companies who do value their stock, here’s  couple of tips I  have picked up during my career.

Instead of

“How can I help you?” just ask

“How can I make your day?”

Its fresher, more engaging and has a proven impact on sales and customer loyalty.

“How can I  help ” is patronising, implying our dear customers need some kind of help- while it is the Firm that needs their flow!

During the engagement, seek out to hear the customers’ stories, be genuinely interested and remember the face and story and product sold to this customer for the next time he stops by.

The customer must leave the premises/ phone/ email conversation with his spirits uplifted for the rest of the day. This is our job.

Finally, when then customer leaves, just say

“Thanks for visiting us!”

Because I am pretty sure we flesh and bone humans can outskill the AIs…

Have a great day and hope you get visited by the funniest customers!

Comments welcome.

More jokes here.

Single, Glamorous, & In Control.

  • [sociallocker id=932][/sociallocker]Single and Free. A great place to be. A magnet for opportunity. A chance to regain your head, heart and time.

To make the most of this free vacation, here are some great ideas to make the leap!

 

1- Create your own glamour strategy.

For instance, if you like doing the shopping, take a cabin light suitcase instead of plastic bags or a trolley. You will notice the globe-trotter effect.

2- You are always in the public eye. Even at home. This is why I always advise to invest in a quality night robe- because you never know who will be knocking on your door, at anytime.

3- Make two separate “errand outfits” available. Something casual you can easily slip in preferably in neutral colours.

4- Develop a unique original cooking recipe from your own taste buds. It may take time, but once you’re good at it you will conquer the world through its belly.

5- Make technology gabriel-matula-301987-unsplash   work for you, and not others. Set your privacy and availability preferences- you don’t want the 24- hour- on – call stressful feeling making you paranoid.

The same applies to becoming dependant on technology- you will look pathetic -and your existence will be pathetic- if your life is at your fingertips’ mercy.

Cut down on social media and switch your devices off for at least an hour a day.

6- Choose comfort over glamour. That doesn’t mean chopping your hair off a la garconne… but you know how unappealing high heels look when the ankles are blistered.

7- Be the Real Princess. Never do anything in your own company that you would not do in front of Prince Charming. Habits are creepy little Devils that create reflexes.

8- Have a favourite secret little place where you feel you connect easily with yourself. It may be a bench at a park, the office roofterrace or even a nightclub. Make sure you do not disclose this location even if you happen to believe  you’ve “found the One” and can’t resist sharing the very place where you feel empowered.

9- Learn a few words or funny phrases in another tongue everytime you chat with a different language speaker. Some funny, positive words they ‘ll be proud to teach you.

10- Memorize at least two clean jokes.

11- Plan an “I’m not interested- leave me alone” strategy.

If you can walk away, it can be something like

-Oh, no, my beans are burning on the fire!

or if you’re on a plane, train or waiting room, you can think of anything like ” I haven’ t slept for two nights and I need my hours not to get wrinkles “.

12- Acknowledge your origins.

” I’m from the nineties, I need my shot of dancing”.

” You don’t mess up with a Spanish woman”.

” My grandma slaughtered cattle on her farm”.

It will show you’ve had a Youth and are still kinda living it, and you have pumping blood in your system.

13- When you go shopping, choose items you would wear on a week- end escapade or on your best friend’s Hen night- as opposed to work or dating. This way you will dress like the Real You.

14- Elaborate a fantastic lie to sound test people- you will find the right time when you Laugh and ask “did you really believe I had a microchip implant fitted in my navel?”

15- Embrace tradition. Wear a wrist watch. Use a paper diary that will not let you down. Carry a pen, tissues, and cash.

16- Erase sentences starting with ” I  hate…” from your daily speech.

17- Learn something useful for life and not only career: First Aid, Deaf Sign Language or mending a car. Now you’ve got the time!

18- Go and Splash some cash on that Cabbage Patch Kid you dreamed of adopting when you were eleven years old- and never got, or that motorbike you wished you had as a teen or even a that trip to the Niagara Falls your selfish first husband kept on postponing. Time hasn’t managed to change you that much!

19- Making new healthy habits at the same time your ditching old bad habits proves there’s no time to waste or to procrastinate.

20- Be extra careful with who you tell last night’s freaky weird dream to- people will be able to read your subconscious mind- so beware of the competition!

21- Instead of using foul language when you really gotta swear, make up your own funny personalised words which can range from a food you dislike e.g “hairy chicken!” to a politician you loathe “X in pajamas!”.

And remember, fantasizing with romance is equally as healthy as any other subject of fantasy- so allow your imagination to flow while you’e the Queen of Your Castle!

Thanks for sharing!

 

More humour here.

You cannot copy content of this page