The Day I Switched To Decaff.

Caffeine hurts, Caffeine drains you, you look nervous. I had heard it all.

Gazing at the infinite coffee lovers’ options at my favourite massive supermarket,  and with time leaking between my nervous fingers, I grabbed it.

A jar of decaffeinated coffee.

” I don’t believe it would be on the shelves if it were bad for you” I said to myself.

In twenty four hours I  were to find out.

Because it was only early afternoon on Sunday I packed some goodies to last me til Monday and decided to spend the rest of my week-end decluttering, then reading my vampire novel… and drinking Decaff.

I even wrote on my smartphone calendar a “good news note” about the new change.

Halfway through chapter six of my novel I realised I was getting a headache and strained eyes, felt drowsy and couldn’t take anything in.

“I will take a bath tomorrow before work”. I forgot to mark the page in my novel. Zzzzz……

Thank goodness I use a loud alarm clock, my good old alarm clock from the eighties, which followed me around the world, through six boyfriends and three redundancies- because I was having a nightmare about London getting flooded with Coffee, and people escaping in huge paper cups and rowing with teaspoons.

I found the bath too hot so I made it a bathspresso. 

Very proud of drinking Decaff, but Heck, where’s that Buzz?!

“I’ll get through this...”

Work is just three blocks away, but on my way I stopped at the ATM. After a seven people queue, I entered my PIN number wrong three times.  Card swallowed. Because I have another pair of cards I just walked away thinking “I ‘ll pay my rent via direct debit like Sasha rightly tells me to”.

We can do this. Even if I’m not quite sure who “we” is, but I needed some back-up then.

 

I had never noticed there’s a Decaff option at the office coffee machine. Stubborn me.

A call. My neighbour Ted yelling. Oh no, I forgot to turn off the hot water tap after my bath! And we were not insured. ” We” again?

Luckily my boss is understanding and I usually don’t call in for too many stickies- so I grabbed my bag and made my way to the bus stop, as Ted was telling me he had recently refurbished his studio flat. So time wasn’t on my side.

“That ‘s a new nice building they’ve just built there!”  This bus was unusually empty so I took a seat and fell asleep while looking outside the window. ” We” weren’t even aware it was the wrong bus.

“Driver! Please let me off! I’ve got a leak at home and am on the wrong bus!”

“Sorry Madame, I  cannot let you off til the next stop. ”

“We’ll get over this Stella”. Was I going mad talking to myself, this time out loud?

As I looked right, Simon was there, pressing the emergency button that opens the door, and pulled me out by the hand.

 

Simon was a summer camp teenage love from Colombia who I had met in the Alpes.

” I still keep all your letters in chocolate box, You look great, just a little sleepy”. He kissed me confidently.  ” Now where ‘s your flat? I will steal a couple of bikes to get there, then we can dump them in front of the Police station like we used to, remember? ”

“We do. I mean- I do”

“Do you still have that alarm clock we used to meet up in the stables at 4 AM?”

I hadn’t realised how far we were from home- I must have really dozed off on that bus. That lucky bus!

Now all I wanted was a double coffee, gaze into Simon eyes and hear his stories.

I don’t know by which exact magic art he happened to have some Colombian Roasted coffee, feather dream-catchers and cafe creme cigarellos. But before there was going to be some fifth gear love making, while being interrupted by Ted the angry neighbour who was still waiting for me to close the tap!

 

The End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extra Cash

Nathan thought he had hit the jackpot with his ingenious idea of making some extra cash. He was living the dream. A groovy basement flat in the heart of Westminster was his day and night office where he trapped the Prey.

Prey?

 

Young singles ranging from age thirty to thirty-five whom he lurred on dating sites to take on a gym membership.

“Why do you want to meet in a gym?” ,they would ask. His profile picture was a fake- such a deliberate fake: a famous boxer’s former ID shot- and the gym receptionist acted as his accomplice,  handing him 80 quid for each membership signed .

Of course, he wouldn’t even turn up on the “first date”, just give a time and address, and a stupid excuse as to why “at the gym”. But that wasn’t the bit he enjoyed the most.

” Sorry I walked away darling, but I saw you from the first floor and was dissappointed to check you were underage. Sorry but it’s my career which is at stake -can’t afford any involvement with the Police. You should find some guy your age,”

Feed an Ego, and it will spit cash.

So all parties were happy. Extra cash to spend on kayaking  over the weekend!

 

But one day Nelly the receptionist gave Nathan a call asking him to bring more male Members. At first he said he couldn’t,  but then found the idea of creating a fake female profile appealing. He took a shot from a girl at the Bank queue.

A City guy said he wanted a stag party and needed half a dozen birds alike, so Nathan started looking for the girl from the local Bank line. He found her. She agreed to go round the corner for coffee despite him being unshaved and  wearing flip-flops.

“I’ve got a naughty confession to make darling” to his surprise, the twenty year-old seemed fascinated. It was love at first sight. Brenda was her name.

 

“Actually sweetheart, she said, my best friend is getting married on the same week and we could all link up, the twelve of us, for a binge night at the Ritz, don’t ask for any further details “.

“Why not?”

“Cos you will be the Runner”.

 

It’s strange the way business ideas can metamorph, but that Saturday night was about the wildest night he could have ever imagined. One of the Stag was so drunk he insisted on putting fifty pound notes down his mouth while the girls undid their hair rollers and started dancing on the table.  He never wished he had his smartphone to record the events so badly, but the stag who seemed to be the boss had told him not to bring any gadgets at all.

 

Dead jealous while Brenda undid the Groome’s tie, Nathan had the time to nick her phone and call Nelly for support.

 

“I got sacked today, Nath. I’ ve got to go. Speak Monday”

“Hang on Nelly. Bring me any sort of decent looking ring and come to this address dressed your best” It was only half one AM.

After the craziest night which included spaghetti sharing, shaving heads and pillow fights, a troubled Investor woke Nathan up and told him about a secret.

He needed to launder three Million.

“Open up a gym then”, said Nelly who was pretending only to be asleep. “Nathan and I can be signed as your business partners. I know everything about launching the top quality fitness centre, and Nathan can fill in the place in a couple of months.  But, Natahan, you must promise me to stop starring at Brenda’s butt- because it’s  just a filler!”

 

The Investor rubbed his hands and cried “ring up a cab- we’re going to my office to sign the deal you two. And leave the kissing for later! ”

The End.

 

 

 

 

London’s Pink

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“I promise I won’t be long Candy, just going in there to get us some Marshmallows!”
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Honey? I won’t make it to the hallowe’en party!
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Two baby Unicorns are born in London again
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Two legs bouncing on four wheels!
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Friends will be Friends[sociallocker][/sociallocker]
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Don’t we Love London?!
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If only there were benches in London

Pain Heals Pain

Pain heals pain. This struck her tormented mind with Light.

 

Her cat had been at the Vet’s for almost a week. Memories of an unhappy upbringing had been strangling her throat throughout this time.

Forgiving was materially impossible,  forgetting was a dream and finding some sort of justice would not help a grain of rice.

She had “luckily ” found a stuffed toy to stroke- instead of the cat- the day before.

Outside Agent Provocateur she stood,  trembling under the rain so even her umbrella seemed to be shaking, with a two hundred quid in her pocket which she had kept for six months- for an emergency.

Under the lights of Soho, she knew what she needed. A good painful spanking. And she was about to purchase the nastiest SM outfit, including the Whip.

 

The only way out of Pain is a new kind of Pain.

Because Pain plus Pain equals Pleasure, the same way Pleasure plus Pleasure voids Pleasure.

That’s the wheel of Life.

When she was about to go inside with all sorts of plans of going into the local parlour to entertain strangers, she heard a familiar voice.

“I’ve got exactly what you need here.”[sociallocker][/sociallocker]

“An SM outfit and whip for free, plus a good spanking?”  She thought. But Life can bring wishes beyond our expectations, at times.

She turned around. A tall figure with wet hair and loving eyes was smiling at her. It was the Vet.

“Here’s Snowy your cat. I was looking for you. He woke up from his coma this morning but your phone was off. Now darling- you two go back home and please don’t you ever come back to this place.”

A tear of joy danced its way down her cheek as she felt the weight of her comforted cat.

“I won’t.”

The End

The Snail and the Bat

It was a stormy midnight near the palace.

The Bat was really enjoying the shower of vicious-like rain and looking for company. As he was flying near the hill, he thought he could remotely hear something crying.

It was a snail.

“Help, help, somebody help me!” The snail was drowning inside the puddle.

 

“This will make a nice dinner for me!” Thought the Bat.

 

“I’ve got you Snail, you’re safe now!” The Snail cried in relief by the puddle and said

 

“You saved my life! I shall be your very best friend from today! ”

The Bat’s heart looped at these words and he changed his mind about having the Snail for dinner.

 

“Do you need anything else, Snail?”

“Yes, please!  Can you get me a teddy-bat to play with?” Answered the baby snail.

 

So the bat flew back to his cave to get the toy and the rain stopped.

 

After three days of sunny weather the Bat was flying around the Palace and he caught a glimpse of the teddy-bat inside the fountain. It was the toy he has given to the Snail.

He went out to find his snail-friend.

“Why did you leave the present I gave you?”

The Snail looked down and said

“Because since I got the teddy-bat the rest of the snails are jealous and they won’t talk to me!”

 

Suddenly, a storm broke out again and the Bat and the Snail quickly took shelter.

 

“I’m sure we can fix your problem, said the Bat. Lets go and find your friends”

Both flew off under the rain seeking for the other snails, but they couldn’t find them. The Snail started to worry.

“They’re all in trouble, if you are looking for the snails, said the Spider who had heard them, outside the Stable! ”

 

“Come and show us, said the Bat!” All three friends flew clinged to each other towards the Stable and found six snails caught in a puddle.

The Baby Snail thought quick and said

“Spider, make a net as fast as you can and we will tie the teddy-bat to the end and throw it to get them out, safely!”

“Brilliant idea”,  said the Bat.

Once all creatures were safe by the Stable the Bat asked the snails,

“WHY have you been ignoring my snail friend? ”

“Because he won’t share the teddy-bat with us!”

“Baby Snail, said the Bat, friends are more important than toys. ”

“I know, I have realised this now. Why don’t you go get us six more teddy-bats and we can all learn how to swim?”

 

“Excellent idea!” Said the Snails,  the Bat and the Spider.

So the sun came out again and all the snails played happily in the water as the Bat and the Snail watched from a branch.

The End.

That Awkward Moment

That awkward moment. It gets even more frequent as we grow older.

 

Usually involving a middle-aged divorcee: we ask for her age. “How old do I look?” She ventures. Of course, you are not to offend her, as you want her to give you a lift to the airport- and also your new date’s approval.

 

So you subtract twenty odd years from the age she actually looks. And that’s when it all starts. Middle-aged ego boosted, you have to sit there listening to a half-hour pseudo-beauty lecture and confession about her “Secret“.

 

What “Secret”? Can’t she suss out you just lied to her because you feel like your sitting on pins when you’re around her? Or that you need that lift to catch your flight?

 

“I don’t smoke, don’t drink and am a vegan.”

or “Good skin runs in my family”

or even “I use cold water to shower”.

 

But if the lady in question is into Facial Yoga or swimming competitions, you’ll want to stick those pins up her eyes.

 

I have learnt through the years that the best thing to say when stuck in one of these situations is not to lie, or to add ten years to the age she actually looks, to save your head- and precious time.

 

Now the fat divorcee is driving you to the airport, calling you her newly adopted daughter, and making funny faces on the wheel. Facial Yoga. Oh, no! her eyes are strongly shut! And we’re speeding at 80 mph!

 

Not only she’s giving you a Facial Yoga lesson, but it appears like you have offered her a drink, because she’s all high, comparing herself to Nicole Kidman.

 

She’s using phrases like “when I was your age” and boasting about her achievements. You hold your date’s hand tightly as he’s avoiding eye-contact because he’s aware of your discomfort.

 

“Open your eyes auntie, for God’s sake!”

 

When you think the nightmare’s over, and you’re just in time to catch your flight back home, she starts searching into her smartphone to try and give you the link to the YouTube Facial Yoga videos. Just what I needed. And she can’t find them.

 

“Believe me, Facial Yoga will change your life!”

 

“Will Facial Yoga give me an upgrade to First Class?” You badly want to ask.

 

As your irritation is burning your cheeks, you can’t resist anymore:

 

“By the way, how did you get that limp?

 

And your date dumps you. Can’t care less, you’ve spotted a tanned hot surfer at the Check-in queue, he’s smiling at you- and he LOOKS TWENTY-FIVE!

More

Lipstick lasting seven Kisses

Her best friend calls her a compulsive polygamist.

 

She just can’t do without nine guys on the speed dial.

Like a magician shuffling his cards craftily, she fits in all the men into her semi-chaotic, semi-super organised schedule.

 

Blonde wig fot Danny,  change home routes after slapping Stewart goodbye, play the broke student with Phil, French accent for Thomas… and no cheat sheets inside the cupboard!

And she uses the same pet name for all nine. Ugly-duckling.

 

It’s not second nature to her. It is first nature.

When she breaks up with one she whines like a teenager and forgets about the remaining eight. Love- unexplained. That’s when she calls her mother.

He extreme feminity, and occasional outbursts  of masculine-like anger intrigue even herself…

But how she makes a living is not obvious.

 

She is a Spy.

 

Sandra’s Tunnel

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Dreams
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This is what I work for.

 

 

 

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Those were the real times.
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I might die- but my tattoo will last forever.
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Wondering if creatures believe in God…
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In quest for the machine of everlasting energy.
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No means No.
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The brief time of glory
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Ideas are delicate
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The reptilian way of crying.

 

 

 

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When something random captures me.
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Diamonds at snack break.
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Pleasure exploading once.
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Is there anyone out there?

 

 

 

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Chewing gum.
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You drilled into my heart.
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The Joy of Water.

 

 

 

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I hate meditation

Tuesday. Angry.

 

I haven’t exercised for a week and my do-do list is only half ticked.

 

I’m going to do what they do nowadays, take 12-13 minutes of meditation. By the way, I hate it. So I shall do an experiment. I want to see if meditation will give me creative, practical ideas to sort out my week… because it has already started with a limp.

 

half an hour later….

 

Oh, girl. The ten minutes before the meditation, after I made the strong resolution to sit down and do it, were the best.

 

I must point out, I needed my killer high heels to get myself to do it….

I felt sweetly excited and blissed like by the touch of an Alien. My body became bubble-light, elastic such as chewing gum, and fizzy like lemonade. I didn’t have enough space in my body to host the Oxygen traffic.

 

Dance, fight, knit or work, I can’t make up my mind what I want to do- I’ll do anything that pops in first. I have carried on my research for my project online.

 

Energy is overflowing and a nerve is asking me to Concentrate on a task.

I only meditated for nine minutes. I might be too excited. That makes a change from the gloom and anger I felt yesterday- Monday.

 

I can fix this week now- I’ve got the feeling I will even go beyond that- and embrace all that my spirit desires to get me doing!

 

But two hours later….

 

Had the most upsetting nightmare I’ve ever had: Cannibals got hold of London and enslaved us. It went on for about two hours. I questioned during the nightmare wether it was real, and was so deep into it only the phone ringing saved me.

 

I don’t mind, I want to meditate again tomorrow! This time, with my high heels and make-up on!

 

New Monday

Monday, they call it

But mine will not be boring

The perfect excuse to make a new start

Speak out from my Guts, start the fire spark

Flat’s a mess, hair’s frizzy and can’t find my keys

I love the War zone where I shall plant my tree.

 

Weekend chaos mimics the Big Bang

Energy flowing -it’s body-soul mis match

Because this week my World will change

I blow a kiss to the mirror

Don’t I love this place!

 

I’ll fix it as it breaks

Because there is such thing as Fate

And it’s smiling at my Face!