Grandma and Grandpa are High

IMG_1814I had always known My Grandpas for their passion for quarrelling. Whether it was the milkshake flavour I would have for breakfast, who was going to drive the Caravan or or what Christmas presents they were to buy my mum, I had child’s wisdom- which told me they loved it.

They were usually brought to sit at opposite ends of the dining table on celebrations.

Now. I had been saved from the five medium bullies on the Estate by fellow classmate Clive Richards. Mum asked me to bring him around the day after, while she and dad were at a Charity Event. Turned out to be Granma and Grandpa had come to our garden to pull out the weeds they loved doing so much.

Clive was teaching me Kung Fu and Grandma was telling Grandpa he had spoilt her crime novel reading by sneaking through the End pages and telling her. Grandpa couldn’t help his devious little smile while he repeated “you’re still madly in love with me and I’m too old for this nonsense Chick”.

It started to rain all of a sudden- one of London ‘s lovely privileges- and all four of us went in into the kitchen.

“How did you two meet?” Asked Clive, surprising me with his interest for the elderly.

” A message in a bottle on the The Canal, forty nine years ago! A waste of a life! I wish I had never opened the bottle and bet you she got someone else to write the letter inside!” Said Grandpa.

” You only picked up the bottle because there were rumours someone was throwing football tickets into the water!”

“The next World War will be for paper! I am a visionary and I even predicted Brexit thirty years ago!”

” Don’t start all that stupid chatter you’ll poison these young minds” Grandma was already preparing a cake.

“Our tools! Lets go get our tools from under the rain!” Cried Grandpa.

“It’s your fault it’s raining again because you were snoring loudly all night!” Off to the garden they went, and I followed them to hold the brolly over their heads.

Clive had been listening to the quarrel all the way and when we went back in he opened up and said he never got to meet any of his grandparents and that he’d like to hear more about the Paper World War”.

After Grandma thanked him from saving me from the Estate bullies the cake was ready.

Now, what on Earth is going on here? Twenty minutes after we started eating the cake and drinking some tea, Granpa is touching Grandma ‘s white locks and crying.

” You look more and more beautiful to me every day Chick and I am so sorry I keep upsetting you all the time, but your mum always wanted you to marry that Officer, and he keeps on asking me after you every time I go to the Newsagents to collect the unsold papers.”

“Oh, Harold! You haven’t spoken to me like this in a lifetime! Why didn’t you clear that extra bedroom we had of all those papers and cardboards, we could have used it for the baby boy I always longed for!”

And they started cuddling, crying and kissing. Clive gave me the same look he had the day he was caught bt the teacher with a cheat sheet in his smartphone. ” Come here Clive” I ordered, not impressed with his counter- bullying skills anymore.

Out on the porch, he looked down and showed me a tiny bag of Hasch. Before I could punch his face for drugging my elders, I heard mum and dad giggling in the kitchen- they had gotten in through the back door- .

Grandma was sruggling to let go of Grandpa ‘s grip and writing something on paper.

“What are you writing, nanny?”

“You’ll see! It’s a message in a bottle!”

“Can we read it?” we all asked.

“Bullied kids’ Barbecue. Meet your future other half while Clive and Sam teach you Kung Fu. Bring this message and old newspapers to be admitted .”

“Do you have any more jars, darling? We’re going to drop twenty of them in the Canal! Hope you don’t mind the mess we’ll make during the Barbecue in your Garden!”

The End.

More humour here!

Pain Heals Pain

Pain heals pain. This struck her tormented mind with Light.

 

Her cat had been at the Vet’s for almost a week. Memories of an unhappy upbringing had been strangling her throat throughout this time.

Forgiving was materially impossible,  forgetting was a dream and finding some sort of justice would not help a grain of rice.

She had “luckily ” found a stuffed toy to stroke- instead of the cat- the day before.

Outside Agent Provocateur she stood,  trembling under the rain so even her umbrella seemed to be shaking, with a two hundred quid in her pocket which she had kept for six months- for an emergency.

Under the lights of Soho, she knew what she needed. A good painful spanking. And she was about to purchase the nastiest SM outfit, including the Whip.

 

The only way out of Pain is a new kind of Pain.

Because Pain plus Pain equals Pleasure, the same way Pleasure plus Pleasure voids Pleasure.

That’s the wheel of Life.

When she was about to go inside with all sorts of plans of going into the local parlour to entertain strangers, she heard a familiar voice.

“I’ve got exactly what you need here.”[sociallocker][/sociallocker]

“An SM outfit and whip for free, plus a good spanking?”  She thought. But Life can bring wishes beyond our expectations, at times.

She turned around. A tall figure with wet hair and loving eyes was smiling at her. It was the Vet.

“Here’s Snowy your cat. I was looking for you. He woke up from his coma this morning but your phone was off. Now darling- you two go back home and please don’t you ever come back to this place.”

A tear of joy danced its way down her cheek as she felt the weight of her comforted cat.

“I won’t.”

The End

The Snail and the Bat

It was a stormy midnight near the palace.

The Bat was really enjoying the shower of vicious-like rain and looking for company. As he was flying near the hill, he thought he could remotely hear something crying.

It was a snail.

“Help, help, somebody help me!” The snail was drowning inside the puddle.

 

“This will make a nice dinner for me!” Thought the Bat.

 

“I’ve got you Snail, you’re safe now!” The Snail cried in relief by the puddle and said

 

“You saved my life! I shall be your very best friend from today! ”

The Bat’s heart looped at these words and he changed his mind about having the Snail for dinner.

 

“Do you need anything else, Snail?”

“Yes, please!  Can you get me a teddy-bat to play with?” Answered the baby snail.

 

So the bat flew back to his cave to get the toy and the rain stopped.

 

After three days of sunny weather the Bat was flying around the Palace and he caught a glimpse of the teddy-bat inside the fountain. It was the toy he has given to the Snail.

He went out to find his snail-friend.

“Why did you leave the present I gave you?”

The Snail looked down and said

“Because since I got the teddy-bat the rest of the snails are jealous and they won’t talk to me!”

 

Suddenly, a storm broke out again and the Bat and the Snail quickly took shelter.

 

“I’m sure we can fix your problem, said the Bat. Lets go and find your friends”

Both flew off under the rain seeking for the other snails, but they couldn’t find them. The Snail started to worry.

“They’re all in trouble, if you are looking for the snails, said the Spider who had heard them, outside the Stable! ”

 

“Come and show us, said the Bat!” All three friends flew clinged to each other towards the Stable and found six snails caught in a puddle.

The Baby Snail thought quick and said

“Spider, make a net as fast as you can and we will tie the teddy-bat to the end and throw it to get them out, safely!”

“Brilliant idea”,  said the Bat.

Once all creatures were safe by the Stable the Bat asked the snails,

“WHY have you been ignoring my snail friend? ”

“Because he won’t share the teddy-bat with us!”

“Baby Snail, said the Bat, friends are more important than toys. ”

“I know, I have realised this now. Why don’t you go get us six more teddy-bats and we can all learn how to swim?”

 

“Excellent idea!” Said the Snails,  the Bat and the Spider.

So the sun came out again and all the snails played happily in the water as the Bat and the Snail watched from a branch.

The End.

That Awkward Moment

That awkward moment. It gets even more frequent as we grow older.

 

Usually involving a middle-aged divorcee: we ask for her age. “How old do I look?” She ventures. Of course, you are not to offend her, as you want her to give you a lift to the airport- and also your new date’s approval.

 

So you subtract twenty odd years from the age she actually looks. And that’s when it all starts. Middle-aged ego boosted, you have to sit there listening to a half-hour pseudo-beauty lecture and confession about her “Secret“.

 

What “Secret”? Can’t she suss out you just lied to her because you feel like your sitting on pins when you’re around her? Or that you need that lift to catch your flight?

 

“I don’t smoke, don’t drink and am a vegan.”

or “Good skin runs in my family”

or even “I use cold water to shower”.

 

But if the lady in question is into Facial Yoga or swimming competitions, you’ll want to stick those pins up her eyes.

 

I have learnt through the years that the best thing to say when stuck in one of these situations is not to lie, or to add ten years to the age she actually looks, to save your head- and precious time.

 

Now the fat divorcee is driving you to the airport, calling you her newly adopted daughter, and making funny faces on the wheel. Facial Yoga. Oh, no! her eyes are strongly shut! And we’re speeding at 80 mph!

 

Not only she’s giving you a Facial Yoga lesson, but it appears like you have offered her a drink, because she’s all high, comparing herself to Nicole Kidman.

 

She’s using phrases like “when I was your age” and boasting about her achievements. You hold your date’s hand tightly as he’s avoiding eye-contact because he’s aware of your discomfort.

 

“Open your eyes auntie, for God’s sake!”

 

When you think the nightmare’s over, and you’re just in time to catch your flight back home, she starts searching into her smartphone to try and give you the link to the YouTube Facial Yoga videos. Just what I needed. And she can’t find them.

 

“Believe me, Facial Yoga will change your life!”

 

“Will Facial Yoga give me an upgrade to First Class?” You badly want to ask.

 

As your irritation is burning your cheeks, you can’t resist anymore:

 

“By the way, how did you get that limp?

 

And your date dumps you. Can’t care less, you’ve spotted a tanned hot surfer at the Check-in queue, he’s smiling at you- and he LOOKS TWENTY-FIVE!

More

Lipstick lasting seven Kisses

Her best friend calls her a compulsive polygamist.

 

She just can’t do without nine guys on the speed dial.

Like a magician shuffling his cards craftily, she fits in all the men into her semi-chaotic, semi-super organised schedule.

 

Blonde wig fot Danny,  change home routes after slapping Stewart goodbye, play the broke student with Phil, French accent for Thomas… and no cheat sheets inside the cupboard!

And she uses the same pet name for all nine. Ugly-duckling.

 

It’s not second nature to her. It is first nature.

When she breaks up with one she whines like a teenager and forgets about the remaining eight. Love- unexplained. That’s when she calls her mother.

He extreme feminity, and occasional outbursts  of masculine-like anger intrigue even herself…

But how she makes a living is not obvious.

 

She is a Spy.

 

Sandra’s Tunnel

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Dreams
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This is what I work for.

 

 

 

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Those were the real times.
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I might die- but my tattoo will last forever.
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Wondering if creatures believe in God…
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In quest for the machine of everlasting energy.
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No means No.
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The brief time of glory
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Ideas are delicate
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The reptilian way of crying.

 

 

 

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When something random captures me.
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Diamonds at snack break.
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Pleasure exploading once.
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Is there anyone out there?

 

 

 

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Chewing gum.
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You drilled into my heart.
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The Joy of Water.

 

 

 

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New Monday

Monday, they call it

But mine will not be boring

The perfect excuse to make a new start

Speak out from my Guts, start the fire spark

Flat’s a mess, hair’s frizzy and can’t find my keys

I love the War zone where I shall plant my tree.

 

Weekend chaos mimics the Big Bang

Energy flowing -it’s body-soul mis match

Because this week my World will change

I blow a kiss to the mirror

Don’t I love this place!

 

I’ll fix it as it breaks

Because there is such thing as Fate

And it’s smiling at my Face!

 

 

I whistle

Koala
i can whistle too

I whistle because this minute’s perfect. I don’t know about the next minute to come, or the next after that, but if I whistle, I can hold on to this perfect minute and extend its life-spam.

Something seems to be whistling back at me. No, not something, more than one thing. The cars beeping angrily -ha haha why are these drivers angry?!- The birds telling each other stories about us humans, the Church Bells announcing yet another perfect wedding, and – of course- the smartphone getting messages.

I want to take my music somewhere with me, so I leave my pack of cigarettes behind, get my keys, and not even thinking about where I am off to, I start hoping happily along the corridor, to the stairs. Now this music is The Ticket.

I’m getting better at it. Passers by smile at me- not all of them- and a toddler  has even grabbed my leg.

 

But, what I really want, is somebody to start whistling back at me. That’s the direction I will move towards!

 

If nobody whistles back to me by 5:00 PM, I shall come back to Reality and purchase a pack of cigarettes.