Stylish Persuasion

The smell of cheap cigarettes on Suna’s hair every Friday evening had become the main conversation topic during her parent’s spare time.

Excelling at work was the only thing that kept them together.

– ” I told you we should have let her go to hairdressing school.”

– “I’ll think of something”, said the dad, with an idea in his head already.

Gloria was greatly relieved, even if sometimes his ideas were not so good.

– “Suna! Where are you? We’re going to dump the rubbish.  Will you lend us a hand?”

– “Oh no, I just sprayed some perfume!”

– “Come on Suna, you smell more like an ashtray from the spa’s staff room…

She blushed and hurried to tie her trainers.

– “Did you get your grades?”

– ” No idea yet.”

– ” argh! You gave me the heaviest, stinkest bag!”

– “It’s the last one you carry.”

She turned pale.

– ” We’ve heard you’ve been doing your friends’ hair in exchange for cigarettes. …Very peculiar. .. Is this true?”

– ” Yep!”

– Well We’ve got two pieces of news for you. First, you have just dumped a carton of cigarettes a client brought me.

– er… what? Cigarettes?

– Yes, cigarettes. You can search through the rubbish for them. Your mum’s got a new perfume for you.

– Why did you do that? She sniffed her wrists, staring at the garbage heasitantly.

He gave her a couple of minutes to think. She stayed still.

– “Second!”

– ” What? ”

– ” Second piece of news,  and it’s good news- you just dumped your schoolpass, because …. you have been admitted at that cool hairdressing college you wanted to go to… beside the fact we ticked the “smokers” box when choosing a room….

– “Dad, mum! Is this true? ” A tear flew from her dark eyes.

– “As true as your cigarette scent.”

Uneasily she said “Thanks”, and had a quick glance at the garbage.

Gloria pulled a bag from the car and handed it to Suna.

– ” Perfume, cigarettes! I don’t want the Cigarettes! Let me dump them in the rubbish!”

– ” Ha, ha, ha Suna, with your old fashioned trading skills you can get a free treatment day at the Spa for that carton!

– ” No spa for me. I’ll give them to Annie for having messed up her braids last week…

– “You messed them up?

– “It’s a long story.”

– “In one sentence?”

– ” My boyfriend got her a few designer samples!… She smelt her hands again… ”

-” Does she smoke?”

– “Like a barbecue! but never infront of guys…. Gosh I’m gonna miss her… ” She smiled and asked her mum- “do you mind if I also give her the perfume?”

– “Excellent! We’re proud of you now! Now go upstairs to pack your stuff… you’re starting school on Monday!

– “Great… but one little thing- can you change my room for a non smokers one?”

Her parents kissed each other.

The End.

dedicated to Gloria, my Gloria from south London, Marcia, my Gloria from central london, and I can’t remember… . oh, LARA, my…..

to all children  of God.

thanks, geezazzz….

Valentines’ Fun!

81D9E73D-43E1-42F2-BA3C-1E19B5E78955On this special day loaded with lots of love and surprises, make sure you let the fun spread about!

*        *        *

What did the vigorexic do for Valentines?

– He treated his favorite abs machine with Bergamot energizing aromatherapy oil!

*.       *.         *

– What did the eco-friendly freak get for Valentines?

– A month’s worth of coffee paper cups, stirrers and spoons to sort.

*.       *.       *

What does the workaholic do for Valentines?

– He asks for a pay cut.

*.       *.       *

How does the oldest taxi driver celebrate Valentines?

– He takes his vehicle to a formula one circuit!

*.       *.       *
A divorcee gets a funny card on Valentines from her ex.

“I knew he’d love me forever!”, She whispers to her assistant.

“I don’t want to ruin your Valentines, but…. you should know that in the location Roger is right now- it’s Fool’s Day today!”…..

*       *.       *

A retired loving husband has saved up all year to surprise his lady on Valentines.  He gets a brand new kitchen fixed in overnight.

In the morning she wakes up, makes only one cup of coffee and then just stares out the window.

“This is a bit strange”, he thinks to himself.

“Why arent you talking to me Linda? Its Valentines, and I got you your dream kitchen!

– You’re wasting your time. I’m not talking to you today.

– But why?

– Where are my Valentines Roses?!!”

*        *        *
What does the possessive boyfriend say to his girl on Valentines?

– I own you forever!

*        *        *

Have a lovely Valentines!

More humour here….

The Solo Party

BA37B152-DEB8-4F89-BD66-A112A5EEFC56Another February Friday morning at the factory, but today, Dave has shown  up fully compliant with his gear and uniform.

– You’re looking a little different today. The new trainee wants to know it all.

– I don’t like Christmas.

– It’s February the 7th today! We have all almost forgotten the meaning of the word „Christmas”!

– You wouldn’t want to know how large and wide the meaning of Christmas is to me.

– Of course. And those watery eyes?

– Just collecting some fresh tears for the upcoming summer draught.

– So Dave’s not feeling that blue today, is he? She squeezes his left cheek out of impulse.

– I’m actually trying to cry as much as I can til the tank is empty, so I never need to do that crying again. Then it will all be giggles.

– If that’s your new trick to lay your bricks, then great…. oh, I heard you’re endind your shift early today. Anything exciting?

– I’m throwing a solo party tonight.

– A „ solo party”? What the pepper is that? You mean we’re uninvited?

– Had my yearly ratio of carelessness… now I need to know what it’s like for those who don’t get the chance or who just don’t wanna go out weekends- you know, what goes through their heads. Always been intrigued by this.

– But you’ve been going on about Friday night all week!

– I’ve changed my mind this morning.

– Oh.

Their colleagues stop chatting to listen to Dave instead, who’s not the good old Dave today.

– At 33 I’ve lived pretty fast.

The trainee insists.

– But what if you really get the blues and then you stay stuck in there?

– I might get the blues, the purples and the blacks. Yet my reward will come the day after, when my mobile phone starts jumping up and down in the living room… because all my mates will want to narrate their own distorted version about the Friday Night little adventure….

– Okay, so tell me, what will you be doing with yourself all evening?

– Well it might be dusting out one of those unopened birthday present books…. or practising that new trendy beard grooming in front of the mirror… or even writing a thank you card to my very generous guardian angel….

– I see….

– and if the party turns out to be a commotion, rest reassured: I will be giving away all my old spirit bottles and nightclub membership cards to the local shelter guys!

The End.

If you believe there are no fences around your freedom, try making a one-off change.

Thanks for sharing!

More humour here

Have a great weekend!

Why we can’t help Blossoming

IMG_3202To you, the womb, the daisy and the pie

To them, the grooms, the lazy and the wild

A storm can bring oh such exotic seeds

Ugly froggies to kiss and a  very funny sneeze

Whatever you do wherever you are

The trace you leave around is glittery like stars…..

And it belongs to you! No matter what others believe

So keep doing your thing you ghost, sailor or sheep.

The End

To my lovely followers I apologise for the writing gap- yet gasping to hear from you all! Hope you are well and please don’t forget your very wecome personal comments.

Drawing by the author in felts and pastels.

C U SOON!!! Xxxxxx

More books here!

Friends@First Sight

IMG_2917After an adventurous break I am back to invoke the daisy faeries that are popular among worldwide Grandmothers’ popular folktales….

*.    *.    * .

If Hollywood has made over half of the Millenials’ planet fixated with the L-word [LOVE],

then Foreign Literature blessedly allowed me to trekk over the Paths of Five Leaved Clovers, Daisies and Edelweisses- cherishing so the F***** word at the first melodic sound of a whistleblow…..

NOPE! Not F*ck….

but

Friend“.

A Friend@FirstSight, one glance, one fraction of second that says a Million Words…. like URSafe….

One wink signing complicity and/or alliance at war….

Now these “Angels” know how to smize -i.e fashions industry’s term used to describe smiling at the talented photographer with your eyes….

These Angels have picked up or were born with the technique of pacing down your heart beats, turning your toxic adrenaline into endorphines – like magick- just when you were convinced you’d be about to get cornered with no mercy!

And you dont care about their names! You never even got a chance to find out their surmames!

Yet if there is a Destiny written on the Wind or somewhere, I am so excited about seeing, and seeing, and again seeing and believing that that lady with the neon-Royal Gala green eyes, Short hair and pony- like way of clopping her white sandals about is, still, smizing somewhere in Gaia and saving Human lives…..

wherever she clops….

The End.

sandrarzouak©2018

Note. Joe H. from the shop thanks for the inspiration!:)

*.      *.      * .

If you liked this true-based story you might be delighted after reading the SPEAKEASY® Magazine collection by www.theadvocacyproject.org.uk who mainly rely on your kind donations.

Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~

eagerly expecting comments to those of you who feel they might relate to my post! Luv ya readers….

On a souvent besoin dun plus petit que soie…. ( Fables d’Easop)Soie means silk

 

Now scrap that itchy scalp of you peoples,think! then carry on smiling fans friens followers ennemies menemies whatever hahaha

morejokes comin and maybe another joke ! Stay tuned!

La plus belle musique est le silence……

note in islam el diezmo is anonymous

Just another Status Symbol

mariano-nocetti-716793-unsplashDora hadn’t a clue that her smile was something to be ashamed of. She was in her mother’s car praying it wouldn’t crash as mum was closing some business deals over the phone.

The twelve-year-old was used to watching her being served as some sort of superstar again. It was the orthodontics surgery, and the kids in the waiting room looked as if they were on their way to be slaughtered with no mercy.

“it’s like getting some fashionable jewellery” said mum, in the usual voice she used when lying.

The specialist’s assistant used the words “brave” and “cool” to address Dora as she poked her gums clumsily with some sort of Middle Ages torturing instruments.

Dora thought to herself that all the genuine smiles she had been sharing with other kids, spreading love and connection, was actually a genetic default.

Mum had taken a check book and paid in advance. Dora didn’t get an option.

Like a broken AI that had been causing grief, Dora bared the filth of having four stinky hands – with no gloves- in her tiny mouth at the same time.

 

Not to mention the hygiene conditions. Bracket pieces were pulled out of a box, shoved into her mouth and then back in the box again, over and over again. Of course, her darling mum hadn’t been allowed into the surgery.

 

Dora overheard the orthodontist saying “this procedure will grant your child a lifetime of success opportunities- Dora’s lucky, only the privileged can afford this. The job will be done in eighteen months. Come back every 4 weeks for adjustment. And I will need to remove 4 teeth to make some space, but we’ll talk about that later.”

Once the session was over, mum said “You look so glamorous” and drove Dora around every friend’s home, showing her new teeth the way an old seller would bargain for a horse. She exaggerated the fee she spent threefold to each and every one of them.

One kid looked at Dora with pity and said “My ma would never do that to me.”

Is it right to teach a kid that beauty – if Colgate teeth can be named Beauty- counts more than dental hygiene? Because the bacteria collected during 18 months is enough to kill all the sharks in the London Aquarium.

Not surprisingly mum didn’t keep the adjustment appointments as she was busy “working” and cavities soon began to appear from South to North.

 

When Dora had had enough and was seeing that the result on her smile was “uglier” than it looked at starting point, she resorted to her granny to take her to have them removed. Her mother didn’t even notice the difference: she had completely forgotten about them all.

Dora had also missed a climax moment to get her first kiss.

After the disaster, it took the youngster 8 long years to learn how to smile again without covering her mouth with her right hand.

It seems like we are forgetting- in the human world, difference is so charming.

 

The End.

 

More humour here.

Dream Hard, Dream Real

tot-416967-unsplash-There you are, Candy! I rushed down here like a Bee. Actually managed to sneak out from the meeting by faking a resignation again. So this better be a real Emergency.

-They can’t roll the numbers without you, Amelia, you know you’ll never lose this job.

-Thanks. Arghhh. You’ve kept me flying since we were teenagers. My success is our success. Now! Straight to the point. What’s up? Why the braids and blue lipstick?

-I need a thousand for a lawyer.

-No problem. But I’m slightly curious. Are you in trouble?

Amelia noticed her best friend had tiger-like scratches on her arms.

-To make it short, Candy whispered, five months ago I went to the Natural History Museum.

-Oh, no. You’re pregnant?

All the customers sat at Starbucks turned their heads around.

-It’s worse than that. I needed the toilet but I saw a naughty spider in there. i didn’t want the spider to see me naked, so I went into a corridor and I pushed a “NO ENTRY” door, hoping there would be a staff clean toilet in there.

There was a door that looked like one and so I pushed it. You wouldn’t believe it. It was the archeological workshop! No-one was in. Only bones and fossils and microscopes. It was like travelling back billions of planet earth years.

-I see.

-This small little bone… I mean, it was so cute! I couldn’t resist. I slipped it into my corset. Then I just walked out.

-You got caught?

-I WISH!

-So what happened?

Candy started looking around wearily in case there were any undercovers about.

-I took the bone home and placed it under my pillow just as it said on that Wicca website.

Then I dreamed I worked for this really cool Advertising Company.

-Go on, time’s running up.

-On the next day I cleaned it with that Japanese Energy drink they sell behind the counter. Big mistake. Weird things started to happen.

-So you’re not pregnant?

-No. The bone must have actually been an Egg. A Dinosaur Egg. It’s growing. It’s a she. I named her Polly.

-Heavenly! Shall we take it to the Zoo?

The barista at Starbucks had already lowered the music volume and customers were pretending not to listen to the girl. What a nice vibe there was in there.

-If only it could talk! The thing is, I taught her how to use my tablet, she learned very fast, and then started ordering Hollister pants that don’t even fit her! With MY credit card.

-But is Polly good to you?

-Oh yeah, she loves a tease. But I’m left with this new big lovely burden and I cannot live with or without her. I need to sue the National History Museum for letting pervert spiders in their ladies restrooms.

-Now don’t blame the cleaners! You stole the egg!

-I thought it was just a bone.

-Okay, the bone! Amelia shot a glance at her watch and then grabbed Candy strongly by the fists.

-Tell me Candy, are you taking your zombie pills?

-I can’t! Polly loves them and gobbles the whole box as soon as it’s delivered to me!

At this point fellow coffee-lovers couldn’t hold it any longer and exploded very loudly into laughter. Candy felt embarrassed and desperately lonely again.

As Amelia sighed and reached for the emergency medication sachet she kept in her bag, the gentleman two tables to the right jumped up and cried

-Wait a minute! Don’t take that! You’re perfect as you are, Candy. Here’s a check for you to pay your debts. I run the top Advertising Firm in the US and Britain, and we need someone like you to start the day inspiredly. You just need to give us a casual speech each morning at 8 AM sharp. Burnout is common in the creative industries but I know that an open mind like yours, innocent and imaginative will give us that boost to keep fighting a fierce competition.

I’ll give you 24 hours to think about it, Miss Candy. Meanwhile I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for a Yes. What do you say?

-Well, thanks, it’s a great offer, but I need to discuss it with Polly tonight- see what she thinks about this.

 

The End.

More humour here!

The Wicked Bitch

etienne-boulanger-406361-unsplash

I am the Wicked Bitch

No- one saw me naked

Gucci shades

Fittest legs

Pick a cat-fight each Friday.

Again! I’m arrested and at the station

Cops whisper me their numbers under the table

Swap boyfriends with my mates every full moon

Neighbour’s cats wanna sleep in my living room.

Only my cool company is an Asset on Wall Street

My name is mentioned from West to East.

So don’t be fooled by my Angel Voice

Or my almond eyes- I’ll tell you why

Cos I was born on the Street to my mamma’s luck…

And my pappas pride.

Hang around with me and they’ll look you high

But you’ll regret it if you tell a lie.

Im the Wicked Bitch

Braid my hair

My phone’s going off!

Someone needs me there.

 

The End

More humour here.

 

New Fizzy Customer Services!

 

 

simon-shim-589080-unsplash

Imagine a World with no customer services?

Or maybe something in between…. AIs serving our roast beefs at the Pub?

Yes we are all watching a decline in customer services’ personality and quality, as it was a skilled role taken for granted and too often unrecognised.

You could find the rudest, stinkiest pest throwing your coffee on your shirt in the exact same perimeter where the sweetest, most loving, funny girl was greeting another customer by his name.

As there still are some big companies who do value their stock, here’s  couple of tips I  have picked up during my career.

Instead of

“How can I help you?” just ask

“How can I make your day?”

Its fresher, more engaging and has a proven impact on sales and customer loyalty.

“How can I  help ” is patronising, implying our dear customers need some kind of help- while it is the Firm that needs their flow!

During the engagement, seek out to hear the customers’ stories, be genuinely interested and remember the face and story and product sold to this customer for the next time he stops by.

The customer must leave the premises/ phone/ email conversation with his spirits uplifted for the rest of the day. This is our job.

Finally, when then customer leaves, just say

“Thanks for visiting us!”

Because I am pretty sure we flesh and bone humans can outskill the AIs…

Have a great day and hope you get visited by the funniest customers!

Comments welcome.

More jokes here.

The Puppy in Pesos

A Sign.

Kamila’s latest Designer bag acquisition had made her trip that morning and spill the coffee on her report.

Tiffany’s had only hired her because the Shorthand skills made her shine amongst all the other glamour-seekers, and they had even sponsored an accent softening course- just to add another humiliating milestone onto her CV.

To mingle with the team, online shopping with seven credit cards, along with photoshopped fake holiday snaps and jewellery bought off special bonus vouchers, all kept the adrenaline pumping and the debt collectors “bomb-mail”- as she liked to call it- coming in.

A week before one hot debt collector, Mark Stronner- she later found out this wasn’t his real name- had given in to all of her whining, crying, and quoting her dead grandmother just to carry out his plan.

Now he was hot. He told her he put his job at risk just to not spring clean her cosy bungalow. Always on time, answering whattsapps and popping by the dry cleaners’ to collect her non-matching suits, her grandmother would have been proud of her.

And he didn’t want to get intimate yet, because he “respected her so much”. The stupid strawberry blonde.

He was giving her gold-value information to dodge the bailiffs and to make her hair thicker with Organix shampoo, and crushing ice on it before using the blow-dryer. He loved this crushing ice bit on her mid-length hair, and she felt like a real cave-woman while he smashed it. That’s all the bodily interaction they got- so far.

 

A blonde with a dream, and a lazy bum with an even bigger dream. It added up to an unbalanced deal. But who was going to win?

One night Kamila’s grandmother appeared in her dreams again. She was whipping Mark with a rod like in the old days, with all her might- and Mark was giggling “don’t tickle me, stop tickling me nan!”. A Whattsapp from him woke her up- he wanted to meet by the river, at a particular place where there’s was lots of controversial graffiti. It was a CCTV dead corner.

So she called in the call centre for her first sickie. Now. Yes. She was excited. He was there talking to a hoodie who didn’t even bother to scan her and left on his bike as soon as Mark made some sort of gang-like sign.

Mark was serious. He looked like he was resisting to kiss her. They sat on the steps after he checked no one was coming by. He didn’t ask her how she was- yet even noticed the new Coach bag she got. Nor a  neon blue new streak on her forehead that cost her seventy quid.

Straight to the point. The destination was Colombia. They were going to go on a guaqueros journey, i.e digging graves for a treasure. He didn’t ask for her approval. It came across to her as a honeymoon gift from him. He marked the date and both their initials on a wall. Wow. The fool. The strawberry fool.

 

*     *     *

The journey to Cali felt as quick as a flash as he had packed little more than her blow-dryer and a desert kit. As they got to the Airport, a ridiculous hat he forced her to buy and wear was enough for her to say “for my Grandmother’s breathe!” out loud and make him laugh in a way he hadn’t before.

As they finally found their contact in the suburbs of Juanchito, Kamila and Mark stroke a connection while she took pictures of him smoking nervously and not being able to decide weather to eat gum, smoke or bite his nails. The contact called her “Mami” and Mark knew this business was going to go well.

But as Mark met him again for dinner- this time without Kamila, who wanted to defrizz her hair from the plane- Mark was tempted by the sexiest, most charming and eloquent devil-who-would-deliver.

They were going to become  Drugs Mules.

“What about the grave-digging? No time for that. Next time. Not good time of the year.”

“But that’s not what Rhonnie said?”

“You shut up you’re in my territory- if you don’t want me to get your girl pregnant with el Chupacabras.”

When he got back to the Hotel, with no cigarettes left, he found Kamila checking through his passport.

“Where’s the cigarettes?”

“Whose cigarettes? Mark Stronner’s or Adam Moland’s?”

“Don’t try to be clever because I’ve grown fond of you now. Where’s my cigarettes?”

” Mark, I just want you to tell me it’s not something nasty you’ve done before changing your name”

“We’ll have time for that. Hey! Your hair looks great. Here they are, the cigarettes. Lets go get some pics done. It’s like a boxer’s sauna in here.” He kissed her on the forehead for the first time and took that ridiculous hat off her head.

“I’m gonna teach ya how to set boundaries, Mami. You’re grandmother aint here to watch over you anymore.”

*     *     *

As she tied her hair in a messy, prove-the-point bun and showed a feather-lighe interest towards his life story, Adam- not Mark-  made a full confession, which was nothing to be seen on crime watch. Just a kiddo wanting to be Pablo Escobar in Hackney then finding his own was to pay the bills.

He stopped and bought her an indigenous necklace.

“You look great to me like this. Post it in Instagram, see how many likes you get. You don’t need that Tiffany mechanic gear no more. Here, dare to ditch that gold in the sewer.”

 

She pretended she did but with a trick her grandmother taught her she sneaked the gold inside her shoe.

 

As they got to the Hotel, and the likes on Instagram were popping, they found the door open and a stuffed Chupacabras toy.

 

“Don’t ask questions, we’re catching to first plane to London tomorrow.”He said.

“How about the grave-digging?”

“You wouldn’t like someone digging into your nan’s grave in three hundred years’ time, would you?”

They went to sleep again with no body contact. Only in the morning, she found him with his arms curled around her when the smartphone melody started off.

 

*    *    *

The events at the airport were like falling off a rollercoaster and getting caught at the last minute by a drone. At customs, a massively wide female security officer asked whose the Chupacabras was. A new alter ego emerged from the glamour-ridden girl

“It’s my grandmother’s, Mami”.

The big woman asked whose the jewels were. She said

“It’s the Chupacabras”.

 

“Aqui Ustedes se separan” Meaning in Spanish they would be split there.

 

A Shar-Pei puppy sniffing Kamila’s terror in the cell became extremely friendly with her. All charges dropped. The security officer had asked the girl if she could have the teardrop opal earrings for her granddaughter.

She also said Mark had gone into a fit while begging the officers to let “his girl free” and that the officers made a jolly good thirty minutes’s fun while torturing his mind.

 

As they ran along the gates with the officers not to miss the plane, Mark (or Adam) couldn’t stop sobbing as Kamila was dragging him “Come on, you can run!”

 

It was the last minute and as a fact of destiny the star-pei puppy sneaked onto the plane. Nobody had noticed under all that confusion.

 

It was only when the plane was high up in the sky away from the sight of all the chupacabras that the puppy jumped onto the lucky couple’s lap and licked Mark’s tears off.

“It’s going to be a long journey, Mark.”

“Yes, and as soon as we get to London I wanna get rid of that chupacabras toy.”

“And I want to get of the blow-dryer”

“But not the puppy!” They both cried.

 

The End.

More humour here.