A gangster’s girlfriend is missing the intimate bit of the relationship, and decides to take action. She gets a policewoman outfit at the carnival shop, then eagerly waits for her man in the early morning, dressed up like his highest fantasy. At last, and looking tired of an exciting night doing this and that, the boyfriend shows up and rolls his eyes at her sight. – Jenny, is that you? – yes, I ve been hired as an officer yesterday, Iwantedtokeep it as a surprise…. she starts unbuttoning her shirt expecting some kind of accrued passion- when he cries, – could I borrow the suit to take some selfies?
* * *
A junkie’s daughter is asked at school what she would like to be when she grows up.
-Definitely, I want to be an astronaut!
– oh, do you?
-sure I do. I saw in a film they got massive, massive, stocked up fridges on spaceship board!
* * *
An angry customer walks into a pet shop with his dog and waits for his turn.
-Madame, I d like a refund for this maltersers dog because I’m disappointed.
– could you go more into detail?
– well, he behaves like a human. He puts back the lid onto the shampoo after his bath, brings slippers to my guests and always gives the remote control to my wife.
– I see. I’m afraid that’s not a good reason enough for a refund.
– Not a good reason enough? then please exchange my wife for a nice young lady that enjoys watching wrestling shows like I do!!!
* * *
A forty year old has had a bike accident and is in a deep coma. His relatives are desperately gathered around his bed when a drunk nurse walks in and sprays something onto the poor dying man’s nose.
As un unexplained miracle, the hopeless man is revived by the shock, coughs, swears and looks around…. his family are crying with happiness.
Two weeks later, the biker’s wife is reading a letter and cries
-You pig! you ve been pestering young ladies!
-I don’t know what you’re on about….?
-Yes, that nurse at the hospital had stuffed your face with some anti-rapist gas, and is know demanding half of our fortune…. or she will take you to court over sexauel assault charges!!!!
* * *
Do enjoy the last winter days, don’t forget where you stock your skiing boots….. and get some great books here to prepare for the beautiful springtime!
A man walks in to his routine medical check-up, and the physician finishes reading the test results.
-OK, I’m going to prescribe you one bottle of whiskey a day, along with one pack of cigarettes, three full courses of your favourite junk food, and a weekly visit to the gentlemen’s club.- This sounds great! Says the patient in disbelief, but are you sure all this will make me better?
– Errr….. well, replies the Doctor….. considering you only have six weeks to live…
* * *
Did you hear about the beginner’s skydiving group who didn’t make it past the first jump?
The instructor had gotten so absorbed into explaining the proper use of masks, he skipped the bit where was to teach how to fold a parachute….
* * *
Hi, Nancy! Long time! How ‘ve you guys been coping with the pandemic?
– Well, as everybody else, we ‘re pretty fed up with it all. I mean, eating our foods in wrapped paper, not being able to slap my kids when they are naughty, and kissing my husband through a mask…. and you?
– Oh, I find this all a very relaxing way of life…. except that I am spending a ridiculous amount of cash on clothes-matching designer masks!
* * *
Mum, I’m sick and tired of this pandemic! You’re all glued to the TV set, we ‘re not allowed to go clubbing, and everyday the mask spoils my make-up!
* * *
Honey, I think you should at once come to terms with your midlife belly: I would like you to use the stairs instead of the lift, carry all the groceries home for me, and redecorate my study from scratch…
– Would you also like me do your manicure everyday?
* * *
Natasha, I got great news! I’m going to lose three stone in three months ahead!
– That sounds fabulous! How are you going to achieve this?
Well, I bought a set of cutlery online which neutralizes all the calories you eat!
* * *
-Did you hear about the rapper who was queuing for six hours at the medical surgery’s?
– We was wishing to get his Ferrari vaccinated.
That’s all for today!
The good news is, you may now buy this Blog’s book
Rejection. And the always longest routes we take in order to avoid it…. yet, some of us have had to learn the way to construcitively embrace it, making it a volcano-like source of free Energy…. But how?
Once I was studying at University when I finally landed on a local job interview. Sounded ideal! Duties were to nag passers into joining a private gym. That day the candidates were scattered about the area on a two-hour unpaid trial…. When I thought that it could have turned out to be a two hour waste of time, hope and energy, I gave my best in some kind of awe, and as awkward as the job felt to me, when my time was up there were customers I had convinced…. queuing at the premises.
I had never enjoyed a bet so much. And also won it!
The boss was incredibly uneasy, saying how good at it I was, to the point he couldn’t hire me. Even after hearing this, inspiration was running up my system, I would have done the job for free, wouldn’t it be for my academic duties. At least the lad was honest!
His appraisal landed me on my dream job which was the next, I would ever be grateful to him, even today- the skills I had built up during thise two anguished hours gave me the means to survive inside unknown terrains…. for a decade more.
I learnt to deal with rejection, if one says no I’ll ask even better next time, and so I became successful in many aspects of my life- especially professional.
We cannot tug our heads into mummy’s bosom everytime we get a rude negative- no matter what the kind of negative. My answer is, try harder!
Take, for instance, Melanie. She was a grossly obese overseas School cleaner, always picked on by the kids in the playground, who called her “Big Mamma” and played tricks on her.
After 6 months she had a decent survival’s command of English, and, fed up with the spoilt western kids, she one day snatched a football from the playground bully and started to sing a funny song from her homeland.
At first they laughed at her louder, but once they heard the melody and funny acting they all fell into her spell, not wanting to go back to class or home after the bells rung, and behaving in a newly and very civilised manner. Melanie was offered an after school playwork job within the premises and soon regrouped her family back to her new land.
It is just amazing how rejection can strike the right chord!
Another case is Amanda. Always being pointed out for her strange sense of humour and telling stories, she could never get a date throughout college. Once a guy pretended to date her just for a bet. On the last day I saw her, the chicks leader told her ” you should start a career in drama” and so Amanda left the cantine- we thought she was crying….. but no. Amanda became a famous comedian on a popular channel, married a producer and has now four kids!
When I saw the chick who picked on her I started to mention Amanda and she quickly changed subjects in shame….
And to finish we must know Stuart “pinocchio” ‘s story. Pinocchio always had a nose bleed, was utterly clumsy and wanted to be an astronaut, a taxi driver, then a pilot…. His parents even had to change him schools, for he was cruelly bullied.
Once on my way to a conference, an elderly lady slipped over the snow as she got off the bus. I immediately recognised a firm voice crying out,
” Don’t move, Madame, just lay your head over this jacket, I’m a doctor, and the medics will be here in a few minutes.” To my surprise, it was Pinocchio, looking after an old lady who had hit her nose on the pavement!
I couldn’t help to let a tear drop from eye, for it was not the right moment to rekindle with old schoolmates, obviously….
So let’s face it. Rejection is not only a part of life, but of everyday life, til the very last day, it’s human nature.
So we can choose- either we let ourselves get crushed and make be miserable for a lifetime, or we instead alchemise it and let the giant within ourselves take the opportunity to awaken and succeed.
Sometimes a rude encounter, expecting to ruin our day, unconsciously unleashes a little known daredevil inside of us who is eager to regain its freedom.
Always pointed out as being broke? Let the gossiping orchestra go on for a little while longer, as you save your pennies for a five figure business you have always had in mind!
But please, always remember to forgive this rude individual….for maybe he was having a rough time, spotted the giant within you, the giant he or she does not have inside…. he has done you a priceless favour!
The smell of cheap cigarettes on Suna’s hair every Friday evening had become the main conversation topic during her parent’s spare time.
Excelling at work was the only thing that kept them together.
– ” I told you we should have let her go to hairdressing school.”
– “I’ll think of something”, said the dad, with an idea in his head already.
Gloria was greatly relieved, even if sometimes his ideas were not so good.
– “Suna! Where are you? We’re going to dump the rubbish. Will you lend us a hand?”
– “Oh no, I just sprayed some perfume!”
– “Come on Suna, you smell more like an ashtray from the spa’s staff room…
She blushed and hurried to tie her trainers.
– “Did you get your grades?”
– ” No idea yet.”
– ” argh! You gave me the heaviest, stinkest bag!”
– “It’s the last one you carry.”
She turned pale.
– ” We’ve heard you’ve been doing your friends’ hair in exchange for cigarettes. …Very peculiar. .. Is this true?”
– ” Yep!”
– Well We’ve got two pieces of news for you. First, you have just dumped a carton of cigarettes a client brought me.
– er… what? Cigarettes?
– Yes, cigarettes. You can search through the rubbish for them. Your mum’s got a new perfume for you.
– Why did you do that? She sniffed her wrists, staring at the garbage heasitantly.
He gave her a couple of minutes to think. She stayed still.
– ” What? ”
– ” Second piece of news, and it’s good news- you just dumped your schoolpass, because …. you have been admitted at that cool hairdressing college you wanted to go to… beside the fact we ticked the “smokers” box when choosing a room….
– “Dad, mum! Is this true? ” A tear flew from her dark eyes.
– “As true as your cigarette scent.”
Uneasily she said “Thanks”, and had a quick glance at the garbage.
Gloria pulled a bag from the car and handed it to Suna.
– ” Perfume, cigarettes! I don’t want the Cigarettes! Let me dump them in the rubbish!”
– ” Ha, ha, ha Suna, with your old fashioned trading skills you can get a free treatment day at the Spa for that carton!
– ” No spa for me. I’ll give them to Annie for having messed up her braids last week…
– “You messed them up?
– “It’s a long story.”
– “In one sentence?”
– ” My boyfriend got her a few designer samples!… She smelt her hands again… ”
-” Does she smoke?”
– “Like a barbecue! but never infront of guys…. Gosh I’m gonna miss her… ” She smiled and asked her mum- “do you mind if I also give her the perfume?”
– “Excellent! We’re proud of you now! Now go upstairs to pack your stuff… you’re starting school on Monday!
– “Great… but one little thing- can you change my room for a non smokers one?”
Her parents kissed each other.
dedicated to Gloria, my Gloria from south London, Marcia, my Gloria from central london, and I can’t remember… . oh, LARA, my…..
Another February Friday morning at the factory, but today, Dave has shown up fully compliant with his gear and uniform.
– You’re looking a little different today. The new trainee wants to know it all.
– I don’t like Christmas.
– It’s February the 7th today! We have all almost forgotten the meaning of the word „Christmas”!
– You wouldn’t want to know how large and wide the meaning of Christmas is to me.
– Of course. And those watery eyes?
– Just collecting some fresh tears for the upcoming summer draught.
– So Dave’s not feeling that blue today, is he? She squeezes his left cheek out of impulse.
– I’m actually trying to cry as much as I can til the tank is empty, so I never need to do that crying again. Then it will all be giggles.
– If that’s your new trick to lay your bricks, then great…. oh, I heard you’re endind your shift early today. Anything exciting?
– I’m throwing a solo party tonight.
– A „ solo party”? What the pepper is that? You mean we’re uninvited?
– Had my yearly ratio of carelessness… now I need to know what it’s like for those who don’t get the chance or who just don’t wanna go out weekends- you know, what goes through their heads. Always been intrigued by this.
– But you’ve been going on about Friday night all week!
– I’ve changed my mind this morning.
Their colleagues stop chatting to listen to Dave instead, who’s not the good old Dave today.
– At 33 I’ve lived pretty fast.
The trainee insists.
– But what if you really get the blues and then you stay stuck in there?
– I might get the blues, the purples and the blacks. Yet my reward will come the day after, when my mobile phone starts jumping up and down in the living room… because all my mates will want to narrate their own distorted version about the Friday Night little adventure….
– Okay, so tell me, what will you be doing with yourself all evening?
– Well it might be dusting out one of those unopened birthday present books…. or practising that new trendy beard grooming in front of the mirror… or even writing a thank you card to my very generous guardian angel….
– I see….
– and if the party turns out to be a commotion, rest reassured: I will be giving away all my old spirit bottles and nightclub membership cards to the local shelter guys!
If you believe there are no fences around your freedom, try making a one-off change.