April Fools Day!

DD3A87D9-CB01-4EAA-8A98-99603CD9B76AA student finds her flatmate searching through all the cupboards and wardrobes, saying , “I know you’re in there!”

So she gently asks her,

” Nancy, who are you talking to?”

” My boyfriend’s other girl! I know he has been cheating on me lately!”

” But Nancy…. you don’t have a boyfriend!”

” I know I don’t have a boyfriend- but that doesn’t mean he’s not cheating on me!”

*          *          *

A Doctor’s surgery gets a funny call.

– “You see, my flatmate must have caught a funny virus. She’s jumping up and down on the bed, singing “it’s raining men” and juggling with my antique vases.”

– “okay. I shall prescribe some pills for her. How old is she?”

–  “She’s eighty today!”

*           *          *

– “Hey cousin, long time! You look good! How’s life treating you?”

– “Excellent! I got a boyfriend who loves me more than his car….”

– “I’m glad to hear this…. and what car does he drive?”

– “Oh, eerrrr, he doesn’t have a car…”

*          *          *

A successful manager walks into a meeting to see her sales representative sporting her very own pendant. She can’t take her eyes off the jewel and is thinking of going to report the theft.  To be on the safe side, she decides to ask her colleague first,

– ” What a beautiful pendant! It really suits you! Where did you get it?”

– “I got it at a charity auction for a small fortune.”

– “A charity auction?”

– “That’s right. This charity raises money in order to help forgetful people.”

– “Oh my…. my car keys… and my twelve o’clock presentation… and the code to my locker…. and… can you remind me- what’s the date today?”

– “It’s  April Fools Day!”

– “Okay, thanks.  And what’s the date tomorrow?”

*         *          *

During Tom  and Christine’s anniversary,  the gentleman starts spoiling his wife with jewels, kisses and untrue words about her looks- she is ten years older than him.

– Oh Tom, stop it! Your words are like Botox to my ears!

*          *          *
ADBAE16B-AB04-4ADF-A97C-DE51D5B7C8EA

An Estate Agent is desperately trying to rent a room out to an ideal tenant. This time again, the lady says she’s not at all interested.

– “I need to ask you a favour- please could you honestly tell me what is it you find wrong with this lovely room?”

– ” Haven’t you seen the note on the fridge that reads ” Beware of the Grizzly!?”

*          *          *

So as long as April Fools Day is fun, creative, eye- opening and does not play with individuals’ concerns, we can all expect three quarters of a minute of surprise, confusion, and then jolly good laughter!

Have a fun Fool’s Day!

For more Jokes click here.

Antiviral Jokes

9B5D1A3A-D555-4153-96B1-C98B25445615A lady in her thirties has been applying for work-from-home jobs since a couple of weeks. Then one morning, her phone starts buzzing. It’s for a job!

After she is asked a few easy questions about her experience, the interviewer gets serious and says,

– “All this sounds great. Now we have one, final question.

– “okay”

– “Do you have coronavirus?”

– “Corona.. .what?”

– “Co-ro-na-vi-rus….”

– “What on earth is that?”

*          *          *

The bus is crowded and Phil just wants to get home. Suddently he starts coughing and all heads turn to him. He has to think quick.

– “Are you infected?” Asks a caring old lady as all other passengers press the stopping bell, trying not to touch one another.

– “It’s ok, no need to panic! I wasn’t coughing…. I accidentally swallowed my mobile phone this morning!”

*          *          *

– “What do headmasters and coronaviruses have in common?”

–  “They’re reckless when it comes to punishment.”

*          *          *

We are a few months past the coronavirus times, but David the hacker is still sat in front of his computer for long periods at a time.

– David! It’s all over now! Why don’t we get on the van and go on a camping ride?

– ” I’m ok thanks. ”

– “At least tell me what you’re upto! Im intrigued!”

– ” Well, I’m trying to protect my computer against that virus, in case is has mutated into a corona-software bug!”

*          *          *

Three colleagues go for a check-up.

On their way out, they feel relaxed.

– Did they find anything wrong with you?

– Nope! They only said I got self-building muscles.

– Oh, that sounds good! And you?

– Well, the results came up as a phantom pregnancy….

– Oh. How about you?

– All good, except for a media-induced coronavirus addiction!

*          *          *

A businessman comes home to his loving wife to find her masked, wearing gloves, and walking about in her fins.

– I think you’re getting slightly over the top honey…

– Now you’re going to ask me to give you a half hour foot massage with no gloves, am I right?

*          *          *

A large family are at home during coronavirus period, wondering what to do with themselves, when the eldest kid comes up with an idea-

– Lets play “survival of the fittest”!

– What’s that? the middle sister asks.

– Whoever can do the highest number of sit-ups without coughing gets to eat the  jaffa cakes!

*          *          *

That’s all for today!

Keep washing hands and carry on….

More humour here

Valentines’ Fun!

81D9E73D-43E1-42F2-BA3C-1E19B5E78955On this special day loaded with lots of love and surprises, make sure you let the fun spread about!

*        *        *

What did the vigorexic do for Valentines?

– He treated his favorite abs machine with Bergamot energizing aromatherapy oil!

*.       *.         *

– What did the eco-friendly freak get for Valentines?

– A month’s worth of coffee paper cups, stirrers and spoons to sort.

*.       *.       *

What does the workaholic do for Valentines?

– He asks for a pay cut.

*.       *.       *

How does the oldest taxi driver celebrate Valentines?

– He takes his vehicle to a formula one circuit!

*.       *.       *
A divorcee gets a funny card on Valentines from her ex.

“I knew he’d love me forever!”, She whispers to her assistant.

“I don’t want to ruin your Valentines, but…. you should know that in the location Roger is right now- it’s Fool’s Day today!”…..

*       *.       *

A retired loving husband has saved up all year to surprise his lady on Valentines.  He gets a brand new kitchen fixed in overnight.

In the morning she wakes up, makes only one cup of coffee and then just stares out the window.

“This is a bit strange”, he thinks to himself.

“Why arent you talking to me Linda? Its Valentines, and I got you your dream kitchen!

– You’re wasting your time. I’m not talking to you today.

– But why?

– Where are my Valentines Roses?!!”

*        *        *
What does the possessive boyfriend say to his girl on Valentines?

– I own you forever!

*        *        *

Have a lovely Valentines!

More humour here….

Your Wednesday calorie-packed Jokes!

78F9692F-2668-4942-B677-4A316CAC87CE

A candidate turns up drunk at the interview.

– I hope you understand we cannot hire people with drinking problems, Miss.

– But I don’t have a drinking problem! …. It’s just that it was stated on your advertisement that your firm values Honesty above all!

*       *       *

A woman rings up an online shop.

– I’m calling regarding my toothbrush delivery. You have taken the payment from my card, then have sent me a goat instead. I have been left  with no toothbrushes for half a week…

– Hold on! You say you don’t have any toothbrushes since three days? Then how on earth have you managed to brush the goat’s teeth?!!

*        *        *

A lady shows up at an interview sporting three-inch-long nails.

Besides this she does a great interview. Towards the end, she is asked,

The role involves a lot of typing. Would it be ok for you to shortern your nails?

– No need for that.

– What do you mean?

– I won four medals in head-butting during  my early twenties….

*        *        *

– Hi Dan? You’re back from your holidays! How did it go?

– It was amazing, despite they warned us about the place being a little polluted.

– So what was so amazing about it?

– Well it rained aftersun gel, you could eat for free from the pavement…. and the drivers didn’t charge for the ride, if you taught them how to say a few words in English!

*        *        *

A lady experiencing growing concerns about her partner’s faithfullness finds a bunch of roses home when she gets back from the spa.

– Anthonyyyy! What’s all this about? Have you decided to dump your new lover?

– No, we’re celebrating something better. I got a job!

– A job… a job? I see…. how did you manage that?

– I was desperate to work, when I had the idea to join the free ventriloquist course for two months…

– I don’t understand?

– Yes, when today’s bosses were almost done with the interview I said in one of their voices,

”Fantastic! We’re hiring this guy!”

*        *        *

A couple are queuing at the ATM behind one of those head-turning brunettes. The male hasn’t taken his eyes off her as she takes her time to withdraw what she needs.

A short stroll later, the girlfriend says, I thought you only liked blondes! You were staring at that girl like a hungry animal for three minutes!

– You wrong, he whispers. I was just taking note of her pin number.

– Oh, so Mr Perfect has now flipped into a thieve!

– It’s for your new kitchen.

– For my new kitchen? You are joking, aren’t you?

– Nope. Someone told me, that fit brunette is a great professional cook!

*        *        *

That’s all for today…. don’t forget to click here for dozens of more Jokes!

Thanks!