Mustard Shampoo

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– “Oh no Frances, don’t do that again! It’s only Tuesday…. What time is it?”

– “Early enough, and listen to this, it says Venus is aligning with the Moon today, and small events stemming from Capricorn’s innate daryness  will pamper you with a stream of luxurious payback…. can you translate this?”

– ” It means I need three spoons of sugar in my coffee today, stewardess!”

– “Oh.. I forgot to tell you, yesterday: we’ve run out of coffee.”

– “aarrrggghhhh…. check inside Tommy’s lottery box- if he’s still snoring…. you might find a couple of free coffee samples, as the horoscope suggests…”

– “I’m afraid I can’t, it says here- geminis  need to emphasise on time keeping today, or else  we may have to face self-piling workload.”

– “ok. Don’t forget the Arabica mild roast on your way back.”

– “I’ll write it on my hand. Bye! Don’t fall back asleep lucky capricorn!”

By a chance of luck, as I reach for my phone…. the battery’ s dead. Frances saved me again, because I had set the alarm  buzz for seven am.

Through the window I watch her walk away in a confident hurry, sporting a purple uniform and her favourite yellow crocs.

–  “Frances, I’m not a Capricorn, I’m a Sagittarius!!!” My words are trashed away by the noisy rubbish truck.

*          *          *

The boss has given us an extra lunch half hour, and once again the receptionist wants me to take her sample-hunting.

– “Let’s have lunch first, I suggest, there’s no queueing at the food stall right now. They said there might be a storm.”

– “What, is that what Francesca read on today’s horoscope?”

– “Don’t be jealous of her. She’s had it hard.”

– “And so have we all. Three samples for me and only one for her!”

– “Hot dogs?”, Asks the food stall lady.

– “Two for me with no ketchup, loads of mustard,  extra napkins and chopsticks please!” Anita’s not pulling her leg.

– “That will be eight pounds fifty, just eight pounds for you.”

– “I ‘ve not got enough coins…. so: Same order please,  but without the hotdogs!”

–  “Ummm… One seventy five, two seventy five, three pounds for you! And a hotdog on the house!”

– “Same for me please.”

– “Look, there’s a new bench there. Quick, grab it girl!”

I hesitate to ask then brave the question:

– “Anita, can I enquire…. why won’t you eat without chopsticks?”

– “They make me feel slender. That’s it.”

– “Oh, must be a precious feeling for a millennial female.”

– “Ok,  Capricorn! it’s beauty goodies time!”

– “But you only had mustard for lunch!”

– “Yes, I needed to make up for the free granola bars they were handing out at the station. Here, I took a couple for your pretty Frances.”

– “Thanks. We ve got twelve minutes left. Put some lipstick on, off we go on a lucky errand….. hey, I said lipstick, not Mustard!”

*          *          *

Anita was sniffing all the new shampoo and conditioner cute bottles, not lending an ear to me.

– “Do you do Mustard shampoo, Madame?”

– “Mustard shampoo? Not as far as I know. But our latest cinnamon edition shampoo and conditioner in one is your closest bet. Let me ask my supervisor anyway.”

Leaving all the bottle lids halfway screwed, Anita looks high on exotic essences.

– “Please Sir, could you be kind enough to fill in our creative suggestion form, and very importantly, your email address, because we are treating you with this season’s sample case.”

–  “But we’re late to work…”

– “No worries – I can quickly  fill it in for you,  because I am impressed with the beautiful shine on your girlfriends hair.”

– “Don’t misspell your email address again!” Anita the spoiler sometimes behaves like she’s my girlfriend.

Mission exceeded, we two colleagues are pleasantly excited  by what items we got inside the gift bags.

We hear a thunderbolt.

It’s raining so heavily we have to stay under the porch, dodging the upset bargain shoppers who only want a square inch of shelter.

The rain grows thicker and cooler. I’ll never forget the next five minutes, when Anita opens the coconut shampoo and the small crowd of shoppers instantly start querring about the product.

Anita wants the stage, and she starts foaming her hair under the storm.

I think they gave us an aphrodisiac instead of shampoo. Passers try and take pictures… but the rain’s too thick.

I cannot recall a sexier scene than my very professional receptionist washing her locks under the violent spring shower. I want to ask her what her sign on the horoscope is.

Anita needs not to feel jealous about any single millennial or trillinial chick. The girls got it.

Before the rain recedes the receptionist’s head is wrapped in a newspaper.

A rain scent still lingers on her- even today,  as all customers keep boomeranging back to our shop.

*           *          *

On my way back after work, I don’t bother to collect free papers to cut out the horoscope for Frances, as I’ve been fed up of doing for the past couple of years. All I can think of is brushing with Anita’s hair. I forget to pop into the supermarket to get a coffee jar for the flat. I even forgot Frances’ gift bag!

*         *          *

The flat door is unlocked and I am hoping it’s not  some burglars coming to steal toilet rolls. There’s sachets of mustard over the kitchen table. Frances treating my Anita again as a gesture of fair competition.

– “Thanks, Frances! Frances, you in?”

She sneaks out from Tommy’s bedroom. I pretend not to notice. The keetle beeps.

– “Who got the coffee?”

– “Tommy won a tenner on the Lotto! Says Frances, bottoming her uniform.

– “Well done.  Can I keep the change?”

The evening is light as usual,  lifting the work fatigue just when it’s time to sleep.

I could have guessed! These geesas  are a couple! No wonder they don’t mind me being three months behind the rent…

What other stuff is to be discovered this week? Do I have to peep on one of Frances’ horoscopes to find out?

*          *          *

Two weeks later, and as I am still scratching the love bite, a couple of emails come in at once.

One from the landlord, and one from the beauty store. Bad news is landlord going on a gap year so wants one years rent ahead, good news is we won the two shampoo recipe contests. I only submitted one- shampoo with rainwater…

Over the phone, Anita can’t believe her luck, and starts laughing and laughing,

– “I made up a mustard shampoo formula, just as a joke….. I didn’t even test it…. can’t believe we won the grand, plus the lifetime supply of beauty products!”

Well, it’s all typed somewhere in cyberspace. As for me I need to find a new room. The grand comes in handy.

– “You moving out with Frances?”

– “Nope!”

– “Then come to my block! there’s a free room on the second floor sharing with some dictionary animals…. sure they ‘ll love the mustard shampoo….”

– “Thanks.  I ‘ll check the horoscope and get back to you.”

– “No probs, Capricorn! I’ll be practising on a new sardines moisturising cream formula as a good bye prank to Frances – while you make up your mind…… gosh you really got me into this.”

– “Just to remind you girls once again, I am not a Capricorn, but the lucky Sagittarius…”

The End

Keep the competition happy!

 

 

 

April Fools Day!

DD3A87D9-CB01-4EAA-8A98-99603CD9B76AA student finds her flatmate searching through all the cupboards and wardrobes, saying , “I know you’re in there!”

So she gently asks her,

” Nancy, who are you talking to?”

” My boyfriend’s other girl! I know he has been cheating on me lately!”

” But Nancy…. you don’t have a boyfriend!”

” I know I don’t have a boyfriend- but that doesn’t mean he’s not cheating on me!”

*          *          *

A Doctor’s surgery gets a funny call.

– “You see, my flatmate must have caught a funny virus. She’s jumping up and down on the bed, singing “it’s raining men” and juggling with my antique vases.”

– “okay. I shall prescribe some pills for her. How old is she?”

–  “She’s eighty today!”

*           *          *

– “Hey cousin, long time! You look good! How’s life treating you?”

– “Excellent! I got a boyfriend who loves me more than his car….”

– “I’m glad to hear this…. and what car does he drive?”

– “Oh, eerrrr, he doesn’t have a car…”

*          *          *

A successful manager walks into a meeting to see her sales representative sporting her very own pendant. She can’t take her eyes off the jewel and is thinking of going to report the theft.  To be on the safe side, she decides to ask her colleague first,

– ” What a beautiful pendant! It really suits you! Where did you get it?”

– “I got it at a charity auction for a small fortune.”

– “A charity auction?”

– “That’s right. This charity raises money in order to help forgetful people.”

– “Oh my…. my car keys… and my twelve o’clock presentation… and the code to my locker…. and… can you remind me- what’s the date today?”

– “It’s  April Fools Day!”

– “Okay, thanks.  And what’s the date tomorrow?”

*         *          *

During Tom  and Christine’s anniversary,  the gentleman starts spoiling his wife with jewels, kisses and untrue words about her looks- she is ten years older than him.

– Oh Tom, stop it! Your words are like Botox to my ears!

*          *          *
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An Estate Agent is desperately trying to rent a room out to an ideal tenant. This time again, the lady says she’s not at all interested.

– “I need to ask you a favour- please could you honestly tell me what is it you find wrong with this lovely room?”

– ” Haven’t you seen the note on the fridge that reads ” Beware of the Grizzly!?”

*          *          *

So as long as April Fools Day is fun, creative, eye- opening and does not play with individuals’ concerns, we can all expect three quarters of a minute of surprise, confusion, and then jolly good laughter!

Have a fun Fool’s Day!

For more Jokes click here.

The Budgie Who Fell In Love with my Enemy.

dalton-touchberry-yWfdhaqSAEo-unsplashYou loved to be cat called, Selena, and this time I was going to do this in a way you never heard before.

Since you moved in upstairs, three months back, my Budgie had stopped singing every morning because of your loud Moby playing, because you jumped around the living room like a drunk tapdancer. My budgie was even singing Moby kind tones after a while, which I found unpleasant.

Don’t procrastinate. Don’t procrastinate. Go ahead! Was what I had to repeat to my clients who sought for counselling everyday. Why wasn’t I doing that myself?

That day I grabbed a saucepan so you would hear me behind the door, and to my surprise, you said

“Hey, neighbour! You’ve run out of salt? There’s some in the kitchen, to the left, help yourself!”

As sweet and fresh as you sounded, I was not going to be charmed .

– We haven’t run out of salt, but of patience!

You stopped the music and took a sip from a shiny bottle.

– Take a seat.

– You noisy Pretty Woman are annoying us with those Moby beats in the mornings!

– I’ve been told so.

– Is that all you can say, I’ve been told so? wait until I issue you with a pet shrink’s bill and then you won’t even be able to afford a handkerchief to cover your muscles….!

– Take it easy, girl. What kind of music do you guys like?

I didn’t know what to say, I was so angry.

– Then why don’t you and the little budgie come join me every morning for my fitness routine?

This was the minute I thought I had lost my voice: me, exercising daily, and for free? Wasn’t this exactly what I recommended my clients to get on with?

A flash went through my head. I couldn’t barely go up a flight of stairs without going out of breathe, and all my online dating ended up with the phrase “I’ll be in touch”.

You drank the rest of the shiny bottle of whatever it was and said,

I’ll see you and the budgie, tomorrow 6 AM, and you don’t need to bring the saucepan with you….

I heard my budgie singing high downstairs as you pinched my behind. Couldn’t help laughing, but, inside, I still held a grudge over you. Even today!

*          *          *

The rest of the day was a clumsy one, as I couldn’t figure out whether I was more intrigued by yourself and our new friendship, or by the body transformation.

The fact is our first workout day was a giggling one as you kept on asking my budgie to sing this or that song and my budgie kept nodding as I had never noticed before.

I got cat called for the first time in fifteen years on my way to work: ” betty boo is late to work, wish I had a car to give her a lift!”

Cucumber smoothies after the workout, budgie dancing to copy us and policing questions like ” how did you acheive this look, tell me?” were just a few of the many joys you, my neighbour Pretty Woman Selina, brought into my life. Not to mention the naughty pizzas we gobbled every Sunday evening…. while scrolling down through the dating website.

Brenda, my neighbour on the right, and Nancy, the block’s cleaner, very soon joined in.

Then one day, as the pizza delivery was absurdly late, you broke into tears and told me your story.

A promising career as a dance/fitness monitor at a tropical island hotel spa had been wrecked by the jealous director’s wife, who caught him reviewing the souvenir class footages.

She had pressed charges against you for a sprained ankle and so you lost your license unfairly. But as we spoke and you mentioned the name of the couple, he happened to be one of my clients, and recently divorced!

We didn’t make contact through my premises, but you found him on that hilarious dating site. His ex wife was poorly, and luckily, Brenda talked you through forgiving her and lending her a helping hand.

What could be nicer than a new baby budgie couple to cheer her up and join our morning fun?

Not only friendship ties were becoming the norm around these budgies, but the once jealous avenger mended her mistakes, she built a new fresh friendship with her ex.

We fit five ladies are opening a bird sanctuary in the empty space behind the block garage- and a fitness lounge just beside!

The Sunday pizzas are still our naughty secret so please keep your mouth shut…. oh, and remember: budgies don’t like to hold a grudge, and they don’t like techno!

The End.

Thanks for sharing!

More books here.

Image by Dalton Touchberry from Unsplash.

Valentines’ Fun!

81D9E73D-43E1-42F2-BA3C-1E19B5E78955On this special day loaded with lots of love and surprises, make sure you let the fun spread about!

*        *        *

What did the vigorexic do for Valentines?

– He treated his favorite abs machine with Bergamot energizing aromatherapy oil!

*.       *.         *

– What did the eco-friendly freak get for Valentines?

– A month’s worth of coffee paper cups, stirrers and spoons to sort.

*.       *.       *

What does the workaholic do for Valentines?

– He asks for a pay cut.

*.       *.       *

How does the oldest taxi driver celebrate Valentines?

– He takes his vehicle to a formula one circuit!

*.       *.       *
A divorcee gets a funny card on Valentines from her ex.

“I knew he’d love me forever!”, She whispers to her assistant.

“I don’t want to ruin your Valentines, but…. you should know that in the location Roger is right now- it’s Fool’s Day today!”…..

*       *.       *

A retired loving husband has saved up all year to surprise his lady on Valentines.  He gets a brand new kitchen fixed in overnight.

In the morning she wakes up, makes only one cup of coffee and then just stares out the window.

“This is a bit strange”, he thinks to himself.

“Why arent you talking to me Linda? Its Valentines, and I got you your dream kitchen!

– You’re wasting your time. I’m not talking to you today.

– But why?

– Where are my Valentines Roses?!!”

*        *        *
What does the possessive boyfriend say to his girl on Valentines?

– I own you forever!

*        *        *

Have a lovely Valentines!

More humour here….

Your Wednesday calorie-packed Jokes!

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A candidate turns up drunk at the interview.

– I hope you understand we cannot hire people with drinking problems, Miss.

– But I don’t have a drinking problem! …. It’s just that it was stated on your advertisement that your firm values Honesty above all!

*       *       *

A woman rings up an online shop.

– I’m calling regarding my toothbrush delivery. You have taken the payment from my card, then have sent me a goat instead. I have been left  with no toothbrushes for half a week…

– Hold on! You say you don’t have any toothbrushes since three days? Then how on earth have you managed to brush the goat’s teeth?!!

*        *        *

A lady shows up at an interview sporting three-inch-long nails.

Besides this she does a great interview. Towards the end, she is asked,

The role involves a lot of typing. Would it be ok for you to shortern your nails?

– No need for that.

– What do you mean?

– I won four medals in head-butting during  my early twenties….

*        *        *

– Hi Dan? You’re back from your holidays! How did it go?

– It was amazing, despite they warned us about the place being a little polluted.

– So what was so amazing about it?

– Well it rained aftersun gel, you could eat for free from the pavement…. and the drivers didn’t charge for the ride, if you taught them how to say a few words in English!

*        *        *

A lady experiencing growing concerns about her partner’s faithfullness finds a bunch of roses home when she gets back from the spa.

– Anthonyyyy! What’s all this about? Have you decided to dump your new lover?

– No, we’re celebrating something better. I got a job!

– A job… a job? I see…. how did you manage that?

– I was desperate to work, when I had the idea to join the free ventriloquist course for two months…

– I don’t understand?

– Yes, when today’s bosses were almost done with the interview I said in one of their voices,

”Fantastic! We’re hiring this guy!”

*        *        *

A couple are queuing at the ATM behind one of those head-turning brunettes. The male hasn’t taken his eyes off her as she takes her time to withdraw what she needs.

A short stroll later, the girlfriend says, I thought you only liked blondes! You were staring at that girl like a hungry animal for three minutes!

– You wrong, he whispers. I was just taking note of her pin number.

– Oh, so Mr Perfect has now flipped into a thieve!

– It’s for your new kitchen.

– For my new kitchen? You are joking, aren’t you?

– Nope. Someone told me, that fit brunette is a great professional cook!

*        *        *

That’s all for today…. don’t forget to click here for dozens of more Jokes!

Thanks!

 

Dream Hard, Dream Real

tot-416967-unsplash-There you are, Candy! I rushed down here like a Bee. Actually managed to sneak out from the meeting by faking a resignation again. So this better be a real Emergency.

-They can’t roll the numbers without you, Amelia, you know you’ll never lose this job.

-Thanks. Arghhh. You’ve kept me flying since we were teenagers. My success is our success. Now! Straight to the point. What’s up? Why the braids and blue lipstick?

-I need a thousand for a lawyer.

-No problem. But I’m slightly curious. Are you in trouble?

Amelia noticed her best friend had tiger-like scratches on her arms.

-To make it short, Candy whispered, five months ago I went to the Natural History Museum.

-Oh, no. You’re pregnant?

All the customers sat at Starbucks turned their heads around.

-It’s worse than that. I needed the toilet but I saw a naughty spider in there. i didn’t want the spider to see me naked, so I went into a corridor and I pushed a “NO ENTRY” door, hoping there would be a staff clean toilet in there.

There was a door that looked like one and so I pushed it. You wouldn’t believe it. It was the archeological workshop! No-one was in. Only bones and fossils and microscopes. It was like travelling back billions of planet earth years.

-I see.

-This small little bone… I mean, it was so cute! I couldn’t resist. I slipped it into my corset. Then I just walked out.

-You got caught?

-I WISH!

-So what happened?

Candy started looking around wearily in case there were any undercovers about.

-I took the bone home and placed it under my pillow just as it said on that Wicca website.

Then I dreamed I worked for this really cool Advertising Company.

-Go on, time’s running up.

-On the next day I cleaned it with that Japanese Energy drink they sell behind the counter. Big mistake. Weird things started to happen.

-So you’re not pregnant?

-No. The bone must have actually been an Egg. A Dinosaur Egg. It’s growing. It’s a she. I named her Polly.

-Heavenly! Shall we take it to the Zoo?

The barista at Starbucks had already lowered the music volume and customers were pretending not to listen to the girl. What a nice vibe there was in there.

-If only it could talk! The thing is, I taught her how to use my tablet, she learned very fast, and then started ordering Hollister pants that don’t even fit her! With MY credit card.

-But is Polly good to you?

-Oh yeah, she loves a tease. But I’m left with this new big lovely burden and I cannot live with or without her. I need to sue the National History Museum for letting pervert spiders in their ladies restrooms.

-Now don’t blame the cleaners! You stole the egg!

-I thought it was just a bone.

-Okay, the bone! Amelia shot a glance at her watch and then grabbed Candy strongly by the fists.

-Tell me Candy, are you taking your zombie pills?

-I can’t! Polly loves them and gobbles the whole box as soon as it’s delivered to me!

At this point fellow coffee-lovers couldn’t hold it any longer and exploded very loudly into laughter. Candy felt embarrassed and desperately lonely again.

As Amelia sighed and reached for the emergency medication sachet she kept in her bag, the gentleman two tables to the right jumped up and cried

-Wait a minute! Don’t take that! You’re perfect as you are, Candy. Here’s a check for you to pay your debts. I run the top Advertising Firm in the US and Britain, and we need someone like you to start the day inspiredly. You just need to give us a casual speech each morning at 8 AM sharp. Burnout is common in the creative industries but I know that an open mind like yours, innocent and imaginative will give us that boost to keep fighting a fierce competition.

I’ll give you 24 hours to think about it, Miss Candy. Meanwhile I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for a Yes. What do you say?

-Well, thanks, it’s a great offer, but I need to discuss it with Polly tonight- see what she thinks about this.

 

The End.

More humour here!

Money’s Destiny

 

 

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A twenty-pound note and an American Express card are getting all philosophical while left over the night table.

– “You are really lucky, says the note to the card. You’ve got a nice life. You get to see great new places and you’re value is unlimited. I’m just caught inside the human mainstream of Need vs. Temptation.

– I’m not sure I get what you mean, Blue Queen…

-Well, put it this way. I go round in circles.  I pay a KFC dinner, then am used to buy pesticides with, stuffed in the pockets of Dictators, then thrown onto a casino table where they swear at me and all of my sisters, and before I realise it I’m back in a KFC till.

– That’s not so bad.

Only when I get the chance to be used to purchase perfume or a cartoon film it might get slightly exciting, but other than that I don’t even get to see any daylight, find a boyfriend coin, and everything they use me for is outraging.

” If only they could finance a rocket with my help and discover alien life or some’ink, I’d get a great buzzy feeling…

– Come on, stop whining! Look at myself. I’m owned by an egocentric, impotent, boring businessman who only needs me to show off around. He even lets the edge of me show out a little to proove a point in front of the ladies.

” I can’t stand the idiot. Sometimes I block my own function for a few seconds just to embarrass him. He’s a waste of drinking water. You see, so what if I am loaded, I’m just used for petty purposes and it brakes my heart.

“I often dream that a cool gangster comes and steals me off this jerk and then I get my last few hours of hilarious Jokes cracking with the bad guys- who are actually way more noble in heart than this jerk who carries me on him like a war trophy.

– I see. Maybe you’re right! But give us some advice, Gold Prince- what can I do to change my miserable routine?

– Easy! Just let yourself drop on the floor somewhere busy and cosmopolitan. You will be frightened at first, but it could change your Destiny. Then we will not be having these chats anymore. You might be picked up by a groovy mechanic who plays reggae and flies to the Caribbean, then tip a happy mother of twelve, Blue Queen.

“But the important bit lies here- before you let yourself drop into the unknown, take a look back and make a lasting picture of all the happy memories you’ve had- you certainly should have many- and not be scared.

– Yeah! I’ll do that!

– But wait. Look at the jerk. He’s snoring with his Armani spectacles on. Now that cryptocurrency has emerged and we are thus endangered species, bear in mind that you have a chance of a very prolonged life in the distant future within collector’s treasuries or in a museum, so give it a chance and bet on survival.

-Yes you’re saying all this, so why don’t you just let yourself drop out of his wallet next chance you get?

– Well. That’s because of my nature. I got comfortable with Hating someone to the gut all the time, so I am staying here til the day I expire….”

The End

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Do Not Laugh

Do Not Laugh?

Luckily for us two-legged hoarders it is legal to laugh. Almost everywhere.

 

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If life has battered you like a baseball and you cannot even remember the last time you laughed from the deepest of your diaphragm, I’ve got a few tips for you to reconnect to the funny side of baked beans on the bus seat and get you and those around you pumping oxygen without the need of steroids injections.

1- Laugh at yourself. Yes, it all starts here. Laugh at your warts, two left feet and botched highlights if you want to spark the fire.

It doesn’t matter who’s around you- your enemies will be disarmed.

2- Laugh at others with Love care and affection. No need to be scornfulumanoide-548392.jpg or humiliating. Make the subject of your jokes an innocent child. They’ll love it and they will laugh too.

3- Laugh when you’re on your own. Whether it’s remembering funny things or planning a joke. Don’t worry about pedestrians thinking you need to visit the shrink!

4- Make strangers laugh.

5- Read jokes books.

6- Watch comedies and cartoons.

7- Next time you Laugh, make sure you “disconnect” from your immediate environment: leave your hot tea mug on the nearest surface… then bend over and laugh til you’re out of breathe.

8- Don’t take authority too seriously.

9- Remember every little drama has it’s funny side. Look for it.

10- Take delibertely ugly Selfies and show them around- you don’t need to post them anywhere.

11- Speak out of your mind. Set your repressed unconsciousness free. You will soon learn that the first thing that springs to our mind is usually the right thing to say.

12- Remind your friends, colleagues and relatives about that joke they made that made you Laugh so much. This will create a comedy bond!

13- Keep your lungs as healthy as you can by reducing tobacco smoke and exercising more!

Thanks for sharing and have fun!

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London’s Pink

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“I promise I won’t be long Candy, just going in there to get us some Marshmallows!”
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Honey? I won’t make it to the hallowe’en party!
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Two baby Unicorns are born in London again
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Two legs bouncing on four wheels!
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Friends will be Friends[sociallocker][/sociallocker]
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Don’t we Love London?!
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If only there were benches in London

That Awkward Moment

That awkward moment. It gets even more frequent as we grow older.

 

Usually involving a middle-aged divorcee: we ask for her age. “How old do I look?” She ventures. Of course, you are not to offend her, as you want her to give you a lift to the airport- and also your new date’s approval.

 

So you subtract twenty odd years from the age she actually looks. And that’s when it all starts. Middle-aged ego boosted, you have to sit there listening to a half-hour pseudo-beauty lecture and confession about her “Secret“.

 

What “Secret”? Can’t she suss out you just lied to her because you feel like your sitting on pins when you’re around her? Or that you need that lift to catch your flight?

 

“I don’t smoke, don’t drink and am a vegan.”

or “Good skin runs in my family”

or even “I use cold water to shower”.

 

But if the lady in question is into Facial Yoga or swimming competitions, you’ll want to stick those pins up her eyes.

 

I have learnt through the years that the best thing to say when stuck in one of these situations is not to lie, or to add ten years to the age she actually looks, to save your head- and precious time.

 

Now the fat divorcee is driving you to the airport, calling you her newly adopted daughter, and making funny faces on the wheel. Facial Yoga. Oh, no! her eyes are strongly shut! And we’re speeding at 80 mph!

 

Not only she’s giving you a Facial Yoga lesson, but it appears like you have offered her a drink, because she’s all high, comparing herself to Nicole Kidman.

 

She’s using phrases like “when I was your age” and boasting about her achievements. You hold your date’s hand tightly as he’s avoiding eye-contact because he’s aware of your discomfort.

 

“Open your eyes auntie, for God’s sake!”

 

When you think the nightmare’s over, and you’re just in time to catch your flight back home, she starts searching into her smartphone to try and give you the link to the YouTube Facial Yoga videos. Just what I needed. And she can’t find them.

 

“Believe me, Facial Yoga will change your life!”

 

“Will Facial Yoga give me an upgrade to First Class?” You badly want to ask.

 

As your irritation is burning your cheeks, you can’t resist anymore:

 

“By the way, how did you get that limp?

 

And your date dumps you. Can’t care less, you’ve spotted a tanned hot surfer at the Check-in queue, he’s smiling at you- and he LOOKS TWENTY-FIVE!

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