Stylish Persuasion

The smell of cheap cigarettes on Suna’s hair every Friday evening had become the main conversation topic during her parent’s spare time.

Excelling at work was the only thing that kept them together.

– ” I told you we should have let her go to hairdressing school.”

– “I’ll think of something”, said the dad, with an idea in his head already.

Gloria was greatly relieved, even if sometimes his ideas were not so good.

– “Suna! Where are you? We’re going to dump the rubbish.  Will you lend us a hand?”

– “Oh no, I just sprayed some perfume!”

– “Come on Suna, you smell more like an ashtray from the spa’s staff room…

She blushed and hurried to tie her trainers.

– “Did you get your grades?”

– ” No idea yet.”

– ” argh! You gave me the heaviest, stinkest bag!”

– “It’s the last one you carry.”

She turned pale.

– ” We’ve heard you’ve been doing your friends’ hair in exchange for cigarettes. …Very peculiar. .. Is this true?”

– ” Yep!”

– Well We’ve got two pieces of news for you. First, you have just dumped a carton of cigarettes a client brought me.

– er… what? Cigarettes?

– Yes, cigarettes. You can search through the rubbish for them. Your mum’s got a new perfume for you.

– Why did you do that? She sniffed her wrists, staring at the garbage heasitantly.

He gave her a couple of minutes to think. She stayed still.

– “Second!”

– ” What? ”

– ” Second piece of news,  and it’s good news- you just dumped your schoolpass, because …. you have been admitted at that cool hairdressing college you wanted to go to… beside the fact we ticked the “smokers” box when choosing a room….

– “Dad, mum! Is this true? ” A tear flew from her dark eyes.

– “As true as your cigarette scent.”

Uneasily she said “Thanks”, and had a quick glance at the garbage.

Gloria pulled a bag from the car and handed it to Suna.

– ” Perfume, cigarettes! I don’t want the Cigarettes! Let me dump them in the rubbish!”

– ” Ha, ha, ha Suna, with your old fashioned trading skills you can get a free treatment day at the Spa for that carton!

– ” No spa for me. I’ll give them to Annie for having messed up her braids last week…

– “You messed them up?

– “It’s a long story.”

– “In one sentence?”

– ” My boyfriend got her a few designer samples!… She smelt her hands again… ”

-” Does she smoke?”

– “Like a barbecue! but never infront of guys…. Gosh I’m gonna miss her… ” She smiled and asked her mum- “do you mind if I also give her the perfume?”

– “Excellent! We’re proud of you now! Now go upstairs to pack your stuff… you’re starting school on Monday!

– “Great… but one little thing- can you change my room for a non smokers one?”

Her parents kissed each other.

The End.

dedicated to Gloria, my Gloria from south London, Marcia, my Gloria from central london, and I can’t remember… . oh, LARA, my…..

to all children  of God.

thanks, geezazzz….

Mustard Shampoo

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– “Oh no Frances, don’t do that again! It’s only Tuesday…. What time is it?”

– “Early enough, and listen to this, it says Venus is aligning with the Moon today, and small events stemming from Capricorn’s innate daryness  will pamper you with a stream of luxurious payback…. can you translate this?”

– ” It means I need three spoons of sugar in my coffee today, stewardess!”

– “Oh.. I forgot to tell you, yesterday: we’ve run out of coffee.”

– “aarrrggghhhh…. check inside Tommy’s lottery box- if he’s still snoring…. you might find a couple of free coffee samples, as the horoscope suggests…”

– “I’m afraid I can’t, it says here- geminis  need to emphasise on time keeping today, or else  we may have to face self-piling workload.”

– “ok. Don’t forget the Arabica mild roast on your way back.”

– “I’ll write it on my hand. Bye! Don’t fall back asleep lucky capricorn!”

By a chance of luck, as I reach for my phone…. the battery’ s dead. Frances saved me again, because I had set the alarm  buzz for seven am.

Through the window I watch her walk away in a confident hurry, sporting a purple uniform and her favourite yellow crocs.

–  “Frances, I’m not a Capricorn, I’m a Sagittarius!!!” My words are trashed away by the noisy rubbish truck.

*          *          *

The boss has given us an extra lunch half hour, and once again the receptionist wants me to take her sample-hunting.

– “Let’s have lunch first, I suggest, there’s no queueing at the food stall right now. They said there might be a storm.”

– “What, is that what Francesca read on today’s horoscope?”

– “Don’t be jealous of her. She’s had it hard.”

– “And so have we all. Three samples for me and only one for her!”

– “Hot dogs?”, Asks the food stall lady.

– “Two for me with no ketchup, loads of mustard,  extra napkins and chopsticks please!” Anita’s not pulling her leg.

– “That will be eight pounds fifty, just eight pounds for you.”

– “I ‘ve not got enough coins…. so: Same order please,  but without the hotdogs!”

–  “Ummm… One seventy five, two seventy five, three pounds for you! And a hotdog on the house!”

– “Same for me please.”

– “Look, there’s a new bench there. Quick, grab it girl!”

I hesitate to ask then brave the question:

– “Anita, can I enquire…. why won’t you eat without chopsticks?”

– “They make me feel slender. That’s it.”

– “Oh, must be a precious feeling for a millennial female.”

– “Ok,  Capricorn! it’s beauty goodies time!”

– “But you only had mustard for lunch!”

– “Yes, I needed to make up for the free granola bars they were handing out at the station. Here, I took a couple for your pretty Frances.”

– “Thanks. We ve got twelve minutes left. Put some lipstick on, off we go on a lucky errand….. hey, I said lipstick, not Mustard!”

*          *          *

Anita was sniffing all the new shampoo and conditioner cute bottles, not lending an ear to me.

– “Do you do Mustard shampoo, Madame?”

– “Mustard shampoo? Not as far as I know. But our latest cinnamon edition shampoo and conditioner in one is your closest bet. Let me ask my supervisor anyway.”

Leaving all the bottle lids halfway screwed, Anita looks high on exotic essences.

– “Please Sir, could you be kind enough to fill in our creative suggestion form, and very importantly, your email address, because we are treating you with this season’s sample case.”

–  “But we’re late to work…”

– “No worries – I can quickly  fill it in for you,  because I am impressed with the beautiful shine on your girlfriends hair.”

– “Don’t misspell your email address again!” Anita the spoiler sometimes behaves like she’s my girlfriend.

Mission exceeded, we two colleagues are pleasantly excited  by what items we got inside the gift bags.

We hear a thunderbolt.

It’s raining so heavily we have to stay under the porch, dodging the upset bargain shoppers who only want a square inch of shelter.

The rain grows thicker and cooler. I’ll never forget the next five minutes, when Anita opens the coconut shampoo and the small crowd of shoppers instantly start querring about the product.

Anita wants the stage, and she starts foaming her hair under the storm.

I think they gave us an aphrodisiac instead of shampoo. Passers try and take pictures… but the rain’s too thick.

I cannot recall a sexier scene than my very professional receptionist washing her locks under the violent spring shower. I want to ask her what her sign on the horoscope is.

Anita needs not to feel jealous about any single millennial or trillinial chick. The girls got it.

Before the rain recedes the receptionist’s head is wrapped in a newspaper.

A rain scent still lingers on her- even today,  as all customers keep boomeranging back to our shop.

*           *          *

On my way back after work, I don’t bother to collect free papers to cut out the horoscope for Frances, as I’ve been fed up of doing for the past couple of years. All I can think of is brushing with Anita’s hair. I forget to pop into the supermarket to get a coffee jar for the flat. I even forgot Frances’ gift bag!

*         *          *

The flat door is unlocked and I am hoping it’s not  some burglars coming to steal toilet rolls. There’s sachets of mustard over the kitchen table. Frances treating my Anita again as a gesture of fair competition.

– “Thanks, Frances! Frances, you in?”

She sneaks out from Tommy’s bedroom. I pretend not to notice. The keetle beeps.

– “Who got the coffee?”

– “Tommy won a tenner on the Lotto! Says Frances, bottoming her uniform.

– “Well done.  Can I keep the change?”

The evening is light as usual,  lifting the work fatigue just when it’s time to sleep.

I could have guessed! These geesas  are a couple! No wonder they don’t mind me being three months behind the rent…

What other stuff is to be discovered this week? Do I have to peep on one of Frances’ horoscopes to find out?

*          *          *

Two weeks later, and as I am still scratching the love bite, a couple of emails come in at once.

One from the landlord, and one from the beauty store. Bad news is landlord going on a gap year so wants one years rent ahead, good news is we won the two shampoo recipe contests. I only submitted one- shampoo with rainwater…

Over the phone, Anita can’t believe her luck, and starts laughing and laughing,

– “I made up a mustard shampoo formula, just as a joke….. I didn’t even test it…. can’t believe we won the grand, plus the lifetime supply of beauty products!”

Well, it’s all typed somewhere in cyberspace. As for me I need to find a new room. The grand comes in handy.

– “You moving out with Frances?”

– “Nope!”

– “Then come to my block! there’s a free room on the second floor sharing with some dictionary animals…. sure they ‘ll love the mustard shampoo….”

– “Thanks.  I ‘ll check the horoscope and get back to you.”

– “No probs, Capricorn! I’ll be practising on a new sardines moisturising cream formula as a good bye prank to Frances – while you make up your mind…… gosh you really got me into this.”

– “Just to remind you girls once again, I am not a Capricorn, but the lucky Sagittarius…”

The End

Keep the competition happy!

 

 

 

Secret Flowers, Dreadlocks and Blueberry Muffins.

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Once upon a dream there was a very special blueberry tree.

Its fruits refused to blend into muffins so they only showed at night, when they talked funny gossip about the garden bugs’ adventures.

And everyday, at nine o’clock, the flower delivery guy stole a fruit, dropped a braid and hopped away, happy to keep Ron the gardener’s secret during one more shift.

But the secret would soon become a muffin.

The antiques dealer and her charming servant lived towards the West of the garden. They never got tired of receiving a delicate bunch of flowers from an anonymous sender.

No, the flowers were not for the mistress, but for her jolly loyal servant Milly, who used the flowers to keep busy pressing them into cards or diadems, or anything she could come up with… but what Milly did not like, was to bake half a dozen of muffins at night , for Ms Jane to enjoy breakfast with her time-rich clients.

– ” You haven’t told Milly, have you?” The gardener would enquire from time to time.

– ” Sort of…. NOT.” And so  Ron the gardener would mess up the flower driver’s dreadlocks.

– ” I hope I don’t catch you nicking the blueberries”

– ” It’s a small price for a secret”

– ” Are you suggesting Milly’s heart is of a small value?”

– ” Oh, no, I didn’t mean that…. I mean you need to water the blueberry plant with brandy next time, so they grow plumper…” said John, trying to redo all his hair.”

– “Same time tomorrow!”

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Ron the gardener had first met Milly on her third day of work, when she rushed to him for help to mend a Vase she dropped while dusting. The girl was so worried that she didn’t say a word while glueing the pieces back together, one after another, until the vase was whole again. He was still hoping for a chance to talk to her- but all he got was ironical messages sent back by John, such as

“Please could Mr Love talk John into a haircut instead of sending the fifty- eighth bunch of  gorgeous flowers. Thank you.”

*          *          *

One morning there were no flowers delivered to the doorstep. The two ladies felt surprisingly unspecial.

“I just wish my fan would actually turn out to be….. John.”

Later in the day Milly received a call from Ms Jane saying she would be late,  for a very fine deal had been reached for some new acquired goods.

No pretty flowers to do artwork that day. Milly felt like having a break, so she went for a stroll down the lane.

She saw John picking some berries.

– “Where’ s my bouquet? Has my admirer given up so easy?”

– “Hey Milly! You scared me! Do you want some blueberries? The gardener’s away- there’s a rumour he won the lottery last night!”

– “The….. what? ”

– “Yep! The lottery.”

What a strange day this was, thought Milly. Maybe it was another fib.

– “John! Stop chewing that dreadlock !”

– “ooops… don’t tell  Ron…”

– ” About you biting your own dreadlocks?”

-” No, silly! about the blueberries…”

– ” Actually, I was just thinking I might take some for tomorrow’s darling muffins…. you won’t say anything?”

– “I might…. NOT”. They both laughed as usual.

– “See you again tomorrow when you bring my fan’s art supplies”.

Just before she turned away from him, some familiar car brakes pulled like the sound of a nightmare snorer, just in time for Jane and the gardener to catch the conversation.

The stalky man stepped out.  The look he gave Milly was like two slaps accross her face…. This strong fellow with those  calm, cloudy eyes was the one sending the flowers everyday! Dropping the stolen berries from her skirt and all over the floor, she was even more vexed by the gardeners spontaneous gesture: he was helping her pick the blueberries!…..

Ms Jane, who knew her servant just like a daughter, could follow the full story.

The gardener was firm,

– “I experienced the archaeologist’s dream yesterday while pulling out some roots. The Council insisted I could keep the old coins, so I was planning to buy some land for you and I Milly,  and even build a flower art workshop for yourself, just so you needn’t bake a single more muffin again. I already had in mind a lady who would do the housekeeping for you. You were to me the freshest flower in the bouquet, but now I see you are an ungrateful blueberry thief who mocked my feelings while taking the gifts.

– ” I’m so sorry, I…..”

– You’re not sorry. Today we found out who my real lady is… one who you should have learnt from.

– “Don’t talk to her like that!” Said John, wrapping his arm around her shoulder, “She works hard everyday and cheers up my mornings!, and it was me who offered the blueberries just now…”

– “Then take her hand… take it! I shall ask for Ms Jane’s on my knees.”

After a brief exchange of amusing glances, both men fell on their knees. The ladies felt a warm blush of complicity.

A sudden gush of wind blew a few ripe blueberries away like confetti, while the happy bugs flew and crawled towards the spot where the fruit spilt over.

– “One more thing,  Ron continued, my lucky messenger, if you could spare a couple of hours this evening to do a spikey dreadlock coiffure over this foolish head of mine, and it looks good- I promise you – all four of us will enjoy digging more coins out from the soil… and then we can do a proper  sausages and blueberries barbecue!

The drivers behind, who had been listening while they waited for Jane to move her car out of the way, started to beep and cheer….

– “Hey, we’re engaged!” Cried Milly, “can’t you wait? And please don’t drive over our blueberries! I’m trying a new muffin recipe in the early morning!”

The End.

*       *       *

More posts coming soon

in the meantime, do share with friends!

April Fools Day!

DD3A87D9-CB01-4EAA-8A98-99603CD9B76AA student finds her flatmate searching through all the cupboards and wardrobes, saying , “I know you’re in there!”

So she gently asks her,

” Nancy, who are you talking to?”

” My boyfriend’s other girl! I know he has been cheating on me lately!”

” But Nancy…. you don’t have a boyfriend!”

” I know I don’t have a boyfriend- but that doesn’t mean he’s not cheating on me!”

*          *          *

A Doctor’s surgery gets a funny call.

– “You see, my flatmate must have caught a funny virus. She’s jumping up and down on the bed, singing “it’s raining men” and juggling with my antique vases.”

– “okay. I shall prescribe some pills for her. How old is she?”

–  “She’s eighty today!”

*           *          *

– “Hey cousin, long time! You look good! How’s life treating you?”

– “Excellent! I got a boyfriend who loves me more than his car….”

– “I’m glad to hear this…. and what car does he drive?”

– “Oh, eerrrr, he doesn’t have a car…”

*          *          *

A successful manager walks into a meeting to see her sales representative sporting her very own pendant. She can’t take her eyes off the jewel and is thinking of going to report the theft.  To be on the safe side, she decides to ask her colleague first,

– ” What a beautiful pendant! It really suits you! Where did you get it?”

– “I got it at a charity auction for a small fortune.”

– “A charity auction?”

– “That’s right. This charity raises money in order to help forgetful people.”

– “Oh my…. my car keys… and my twelve o’clock presentation… and the code to my locker…. and… can you remind me- what’s the date today?”

– “It’s  April Fools Day!”

– “Okay, thanks.  And what’s the date tomorrow?”

*         *          *

During Tom  and Christine’s anniversary,  the gentleman starts spoiling his wife with jewels, kisses and untrue words about her looks- she is ten years older than him.

– Oh Tom, stop it! Your words are like Botox to my ears!

*          *          *
ADBAE16B-AB04-4ADF-A97C-DE51D5B7C8EA

An Estate Agent is desperately trying to rent a room out to an ideal tenant. This time again, the lady says she’s not at all interested.

– “I need to ask you a favour- please could you honestly tell me what is it you find wrong with this lovely room?”

– ” Haven’t you seen the note on the fridge that reads ” Beware of the Grizzly!?”

*          *          *

So as long as April Fools Day is fun, creative, eye- opening and does not play with individuals’ concerns, we can all expect three quarters of a minute of surprise, confusion, and then jolly good laughter!

Have a fun Fool’s Day!

For more Jokes click here.

The Feathered Drone

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Alex remained indifferent to the plague all the village was worried about, for he was the village fool…

Errands for you, and you! fix my car, polish Mr Quito’s shoes in three minutes…. only, and only, for a bunch of coloured feathers.

And everybody was fond of him, we could even say proud of him. But why he loved the feathers – people kept on asking each other. There were always jokes going on about Alex’ s feathers, and he didn’t really like that- but nevermind! He always got beautiful ones from friends returning from holidays or business trips.

One morning the fool heard a knock on the door. He was asked to dispose of his feather collection, as a precaution to take against the enigmatic plague going around.

His flatmate Manu managed to agree to give the feathers, only if these would be returned once the disease would receed.

Manu kept checking on him all day, in case he would be upset without his feathers.  But on his way back home,  he was absorbed by the colourful decorations on his friends’ garden trees, and statues…

– “Isn’t all this festive? Alex has been charging everyone with old curtains… instead of feathers!” For the first time in a month, people were cracking jokes again, distracted at last from the same topic.

A couple of weeks later many folks were happily helping him make his creations, and some ladies even asked them to do their garden doors up.

The sick started to take tiny walks out- just to admire the colourful, crazy new attire their old town was showing.

When the subject was raised at the village neighbourhood meeting, all agreed that, even if Alex had asked for permission prior to putting up the funny decorations, the artwork would be removed after the summer.

In need of nonsense, the people were getting more ideas just to stay away from the taboo subject- from taking the cattle on a stroll to wearing flower diadems- anything to show they were not afraid.

*          *          *

Mario’s car wouldn’t start after a long day training at the doctor’s surgery, so he called the strong Alex to help push it back home. Once by the porch, he told the fool

– “Make sure you wash and dry all that sweat off before you go to sleep!”

– “No need.”

– “What?”

– “No need.” Mario looked at him, and Alex explained,

– “If I keep the sweat then I will grow feathers!”

The car engine started as a comical sychnonicity of events, for the idea this silly comment had sparked in Mario’s scientific mind made him rush back to the surgery lab, to stay and work on it for the following weeks.

The decorations in town started getting exaggerated and lost their novelty charm. With the plague, they added to the confusion. So down they came.

The fool thought he wanted his feathers back: he walked to the surgery hoping to find Mario, besides there being rumours he wasn’t in town.

Mario was on the phone speaking some foreign, very weird language. Saying something about a “formula“. When he saw Alex, he smiled and rushed inside to get the box of feathers.

– “Aye! My feathers!”

– “We got something even better. Wait here five minutes.”

– “A drone! A drone!” People were clapping. More drones followed. Maybe these were bringing vaccines!

– “I’m going to sleep in my bed now- please Alex, don’t say anything.”

– “I won’t.”

– “Oh, I wanted to ask you…. well, I was slightly curious…. why do you collect feathers?”

Alex put his head down and turned sad.

– The feathers…. my feathers… well, it’s just that maybe one day I’ll get invited to one of those really funny dressing up parties…. so I’m saving up all the feathers for  my costume!”

The End.

Please Donate to

https://www.shp.org.uk/Pages/Category/fundraise

I owe them the birth of this Website…Txs!

There are other jolly means than monetary remuneration to celebrate your existence.

The Water Diamonds

Every night

Little diamonds float inside

The glass of water on my bedside table.

They glow with ease

The town is sweet.

I breathe harmony.

Another gift, another day

And as I pray

I am pleased . Because today

I did my best.

If these water bubbles could speak

They would certainly repeat

“Enjoy your rest, pray for the rest.

Although we’re cheap

We have in common:

A peaceful sleep,

We dream we’re free…

And wake up on our feet.”

5F93D960-07C0-4751-ACF2-018C349CECBB

The End.

Thanks for sharing!

AAAANNNNDDDDD…..

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http://www.stpauls.uk

A Temple of Beautiful Inspiration…

Thank you.

Antiviral Jokes

9B5D1A3A-D555-4153-96B1-C98B25445615A lady in her thirties has been applying for work-from-home jobs since a couple of weeks. Then one morning, her phone starts buzzing. It’s for a job!

After she is asked a few easy questions about her experience, the interviewer gets serious and says,

– “All this sounds great. Now we have one, final question.

– “okay”

– “Do you have coronavirus?”

– “Corona.. .what?”

– “Co-ro-na-vi-rus….”

– “What on earth is that?”

*          *          *

The bus is crowded and Phil just wants to get home. Suddently he starts coughing and all heads turn to him. He has to think quick.

– “Are you infected?” Asks a caring old lady as all other passengers press the stopping bell, trying not to touch one another.

– “It’s ok, no need to panic! I wasn’t coughing…. I accidentally swallowed my mobile phone this morning!”

*          *          *

– “What do headmasters and coronaviruses have in common?”

–  “They’re reckless when it comes to punishment.”

*          *          *

We are a few months past the coronavirus times, but David the hacker is still sat in front of his computer for long periods at a time.

– David! It’s all over now! Why don’t we get on the van and go on a camping ride?

– ” I’m ok thanks. ”

– “At least tell me what you’re upto! Im intrigued!”

– ” Well, I’m trying to protect my computer against that virus, in case is has mutated into a corona-software bug!”

*          *          *

Three colleagues go for a check-up.

On their way out, they feel relaxed.

– Did they find anything wrong with you?

– Nope! They only said I got self-building muscles.

– Oh, that sounds good! And you?

– Well, the results came up as a phantom pregnancy….

– Oh. How about you?

– All good, except for a media-induced coronavirus addiction!

*          *          *

A businessman comes home to his loving wife to find her masked, wearing gloves, and walking about in her fins.

– I think you’re getting slightly over the top honey…

– Now you’re going to ask me to give you a half hour foot massage with no gloves, am I right?

*          *          *

A large family are at home during coronavirus period, wondering what to do with themselves, when the eldest kid comes up with an idea-

– Lets play “survival of the fittest”!

– What’s that? the middle sister asks.

– Whoever can do the highest number of sit-ups without coughing gets to eat the  jaffa cakes!

*          *          *

That’s all for today!

Keep washing hands and carry on….

More humour here

My Unforgettable Getaway

The Mount from Marazion“Why do you want to go to St Ives? It´s a five hour train ride… we can fly to Ibiza in less than two hours.”

“No Ibiza. I just want to go to St Ives.”

“Ok then!”

Didn´t take much convincing, for the joys and miseries of travelling always set a new mark to start afresh.

-“Can I ask you, what will we do in St Ives?”

-“Here are the tickets, we´re leaving in one hour and forty minutes.”

-“ Oh, no,You´re joking!” I saw that shiny, little star in his eyes.

The journey was unexpectedly smooth and I had three boxes to tick on my list- art, sea and moaning.

Yep, moaning. I always save my moaning to get spoilt in the most ridiculous manner I can.

– “You will not moan there will you? “

– “Not if you let me smoke as much as I like”.

– “Ok”.

The closer we got to the hotel, the more enchanted we felt, for if there was a place with a simpler richness of character, this would be the areas of Cornwall.

The first day was silly, spent walking up and down like a pair of knotted shadows, the skilled rythm of the port not affected by our hungry curiosity . We watched, and before the art galleries closed, we had seen those paintings.

-”Gosh, you look like that pirate!”

– “Thanks!, he also looks like me”.

There is a travel style we enjoy, and it is the one opposed to the “surveyor tourist” as I like to call them, who carries a list of the most important sights to visit, at a particular date and time, and the more he sees, the better.

We just like to float there, let our shoes take us around, hear the history from the locals, notice those particular little things…. go visit the places the locals recommend, and mostly, get to know the people.

That day I was left thrilled by an old novelty of place, so I had forgotten to do my planned and loved moaning. Took me almost an hour to fall asleep as the beauty of St Ives played in my imagery, making me want it all.

Very lucky to rise under a beautiful sunshine and a treasoning wind, I suggested we had a sip of Cornish Lust Cream for breakfast. It sprung to my mind to hire some bikes, why not. Even if my smoking and quick sandwiches habit was not going to be my friend. Minutes after I googled a bike hire service, I heard my name.

The bikes were there! Peter from Lands End Cycle Hire had delivered them! And we were the halfway though a cigarette. At first I started to feel uneasy thinking of the awful cramps I would get on the next day, but Peter´s jolly mood made me stick to the no-plan, which was to just get on the bikes and go here and there and nowhere.

Pete pulled out a large. colourful map and marked a cross over our exact location. Then he drew a route to follow with a skillful trace, and told us where we could go, including St Michael´s Mount.

– “Isn´t all that too far?”

– “No it isn´t”, he said, confidently. I was slightly scared when I saw the line on paper, but all this sounded so good.

Handing us the bikes as if he was trusting his best racing horses to take us on our journey, I watched my partner ride off in circles like a kid.

– “Where´s the map?”

– “I´ve got it!”

– “No, give it to me!”

Every time I remember that day I´ve got to stop doing what I´m doing and enjoy the resurfacing emotions for three minutes.

I felt very proud of not going back on my steps but taking up the little adventure, and we could´t wait to go. We only took essentials and the bike locks. No, no raincoats.

“If it´s longer tan I think then I can start my moaning.”

Instead of moaning, all that came up was a futuristic renaissance of the body as my legs pumped up the oxygen, and we felt so free and in control of space, wanting to go further and further.

All that running after buses, errands and the ever broken lift had paid- I wasn´t so unfit! I was recalling how as a kid I liked to BMX, while I tried to not miss the enticing lansdcapes and architecture that allowed us to inhale history, life and future.

We didn´t get lost. We saw so much, placed our feet on the Giant´s Heart of St Michael´s Mount, the day was too long and at the same time too short… for we could´t get enough. It was all too entertaining to leave space for cramps.

At one point a young lady called us and handed us the notes I had dropped while taking off my jumper. This was sooo nice.

The sky was wide, the breaks so delightful.

– “You haven´t started moaning yet!”

– ” Wait and see. It´s getting dark, we need to get back to the hotel.”

– “I think it looks like it´s about to rain.”

– “How are we going to make it back tos St Ives?”

A passer-by Heard us and said the last train was leaving in sixteen minutes, and we could take the bikes too. I thought it was a joke, but it was correct. My ignorance!

My partner looked at me and said

– “I didn´t know you were so fit”.

– “you mean the bike is fit.”

– “Very funny.”

– “Sure I am, because you always send me to the most remote shop to get hot chilis for the pasta sauce before it´s about to burn!”

– “I guess so… do you have that Crust cream on you?”

– “You mean the Lust Cream?”

– “Yeah. Whatever.”

– “No, I left it on the night table…. When do we go back?”

– “You want to go back?”

– “Well, if we got enough money to stretch the holidays…. I´d like to stay one week more.”

– “OK. We´ll stay until we got two pounds fifty left in our pockets.”

He opened a secret zip inside his jacket and showed me a few notes.

– “Hey, you cheeky! I asked. What´s that”?

– “I got a refund and I saved it for a sunny day.”

– “Brilliaaaant! We´re there! Quick, where´s the bikes wagon? “

– “No idea….”

– “What we gonna do?”

– “The bikes wagon is the last carriage!”, somebody informed.

– “Thank you, Sir! “My man stared at him in funny way and whispered…

– “This guy really looks like that pirate on the painting we saw yesterday.”

I lied all the time about not having any night cramps, even if he kept on asking, because I wanted to cycle my breathe away- on every single holiday, for the rest of time….Bikes at Porthmeor Beach

After six days whe realised we had only three gorgeous pounds left. We had fed the seals, been fishing and many more things. It was time to return the bikes.

Peter must have read our relief, because he smiled as if he could grasp the joy of our cycling in Cornwall. He must have been very used to that.

– “Before we go, can we get a souvenir mug? Do you think we got enough coins? “I enquired.

-”Lets try. The mug broke a Little on the way back. What is really strange is that the day we got our brand new bikes and got back home, the mug strangely appeared undamaged.

A few weeks later I noticed my man staring at some birds.

– “You like their looks? The shorter one reminds me of the pirate on the boat on the painting….”

– ” It’s even better than that! I think she might be the same person who picked up our quids when you dropped them in Cornwall”…

– You wish!

*          *          *

Lately I found a new excuse to moan- and this is if someone asks to borrow my bike!.

 

The End.

Thanks for sharing!

Benefits of cycling include

– Better navigation skills

– Improves spacial awareness and confidence

– Boosts your inmune system

– Brain health

– Social life

….. and no need to mention- saves a good deal of time and money!

St. Ives Bikes

The Budgie Who Fell In Love with my Enemy.

dalton-touchberry-yWfdhaqSAEo-unsplashYou loved to be cat called, Selena, and this time I was going to do this in a way you never heard before.

Since you moved in upstairs, three months back, my Budgie had stopped singing every morning because of your loud Moby playing, because you jumped around the living room like a drunk tapdancer. My budgie was even singing Moby kind tones after a while, which I found unpleasant.

Don’t procrastinate. Don’t procrastinate. Go ahead! Was what I had to repeat to my clients who sought for counselling everyday. Why wasn’t I doing that myself?

That day I grabbed a saucepan so you would hear me behind the door, and to my surprise, you said

“Hey, neighbour! You’ve run out of salt? There’s some in the kitchen, to the left, help yourself!”

As sweet and fresh as you sounded, I was not going to be charmed .

– We haven’t run out of salt, but of patience!

You stopped the music and took a sip from a shiny bottle.

– Take a seat.

– You noisy Pretty Woman are annoying us with those Moby beats in the mornings!

– I’ve been told so.

– Is that all you can say, I’ve been told so? wait until I issue you with a pet shrink’s bill and then you won’t even be able to afford a handkerchief to cover your muscles….!

– Take it easy, girl. What kind of music do you guys like?

I didn’t know what to say, I was so angry.

– Then why don’t you and the little budgie come join me every morning for my fitness routine?

This was the minute I thought I had lost my voice: me, exercising daily, and for free? Wasn’t this exactly what I recommended my clients to get on with?

A flash went through my head. I couldn’t barely go up a flight of stairs without going out of breathe, and all my online dating ended up with the phrase “I’ll be in touch”.

You drank the rest of the shiny bottle of whatever it was and said,

I’ll see you and the budgie, tomorrow 6 AM, and you don’t need to bring the saucepan with you….

I heard my budgie singing high downstairs as you pinched my behind. Couldn’t help laughing, but, inside, I still held a grudge over you. Even today!

*          *          *

The rest of the day was a clumsy one, as I couldn’t figure out whether I was more intrigued by yourself and our new friendship, or by the body transformation.

The fact is our first workout day was a giggling one as you kept on asking my budgie to sing this or that song and my budgie kept nodding as I had never noticed before.

I got cat called for the first time in fifteen years on my way to work: ” betty boo is late to work, wish I had a car to give her a lift!”

Cucumber smoothies after the workout, budgie dancing to copy us and policing questions like ” how did you acheive this look, tell me?” were just a few of the many joys you, my neighbour Pretty Woman Selina, brought into my life. Not to mention the naughty pizzas we gobbled every Sunday evening…. while scrolling down through the dating website.

Brenda, my neighbour on the right, and Nancy, the block’s cleaner, very soon joined in.

Then one day, as the pizza delivery was absurdly late, you broke into tears and told me your story.

A promising career as a dance/fitness monitor at a tropical island hotel spa had been wrecked by the jealous director’s wife, who caught him reviewing the souvenir class footages.

She had pressed charges against you for a sprained ankle and so you lost your license unfairly. But as we spoke and you mentioned the name of the couple, he happened to be one of my clients, and recently divorced!

We didn’t make contact through my premises, but you found him on that hilarious dating site. His ex wife was poorly, and luckily, Brenda talked you through forgiving her and lending her a helping hand.

What could be nicer than a new baby budgie couple to cheer her up and join our morning fun?

Not only friendship ties were becoming the norm around these budgies, but the once jealous avenger mended her mistakes, she built a new fresh friendship with her ex.

We fit five ladies are opening a bird sanctuary in the empty space behind the block garage- and a fitness lounge just beside!

The Sunday pizzas are still our naughty secret so please keep your mouth shut…. oh, and remember: budgies don’t like to hold a grudge, and they don’t like techno!

The End.

Thanks for sharing!

More books here.

Image by Dalton Touchberry from Unsplash.